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5 Life Hacks You Can Totally Ignore Unless You’re the Extraterrestrial Arthropod Controlling Chris Matthews

Living day to day is one fickle beast, and sometimes all it takes is one shortcut to significantly lighten the load of existence. Unless, that is, you’re the parasitic alien symphylan using Chris Matthew’s body as a puppet. You, my segmented friend, seem to be way out your league and could use some extra help. Here are five life hacks you can totally ignore, as long as you’re not the extraterrestrial arthropod living inside Chris Matthews.

 
Tie a bright colored string to your luggage, so it’s easier to spot on the baggage claim conveyor belt
 

Sure, for many millennia now, your species has evolved into a perfect specimen of efficiency and simplicity—a model that has served you well as you inhabited hosts from all across the galaxy. But all that ain’t gonna matter one good goddamn when you lose your luggage at the airport, and your Chris Matthews bodysuit has to walk around for two days without a toothbrush. We wouldn’t want Mr. Matthews to wear out his welcome, would we?


 

 
Use frozen grapes to chill wine without watering it down
 

While you are a small, cryptic myriapod without eyes or pigment, Chris Matthews needs his booze to maintain his rosy glow. Not the very least to mention, the sugars from alcohol have many parasitical benefits. So freeze some grapes, toss a couple of them bad boys into your wine, and take a good, Bostonian sip—hey, there’s a whole new side to Rachel Maddow you’ve never seen before.


 

 
Rub a walnut on damaged wooden furniture to cover up the dings
 

If you live inside Chris Matthews long enough, you’re going to damage some furniture. It’s inevitable. Keep this tip in your back pocket and don’t let him eat all the nuts!


 

 
If you need to clean the microwave, fill a bowl of water and microwave it for three minutes. The steam will loosen any dried food particles.
 

You traveled 750,000 light years just to discover Chris Matthews has the worst employee kitchen etiquette you’ve ever seen. Help him get back on Greta van Susteren’s good side and clean the fucking microwave.


 

 
If you accidentally close an internet tab, CTRL+SHIFT+T reopens it
 

Dammit, Chris Hayes always walks into your office just as you’re clicking that NSFW link! And between you and me, he can be a bit of a tattletale. Best to just close it out and play it cool; talk about the long history of your home planet, Tholgar-Seven. He will be reassured by Chris Matthews’ insane babbling and go away. A simple CTRL+SHIFT+T goes a long way in avoiding Chris Hayes’ balls-to-the-wall righteousness.


 

Written by Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman is a writer, poet, and comic (in ascending order of his father’s disappointment). His work has been featured in Diabolique Magazine, The New Southerner, Marathon Literary Review, and the anthologies, [Ex]tinguished & [Ex]tinct: An Anthology of Things That No Longer [Ex]ist (Twelve Winters Press) and Puff Puff Prose, Poetry and a Play Vol. II. He lives in San Diego, CA.

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