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5 Ways To Repurpose Aging Supermodels Into Minimalist Home Decor

As our runway models age, we ask ourselves, “What do I do with these useless crones that I don’t want to look at now that they’ve hit the big 4-0? Do I just throw them out? Aren’t our landfills stuffed enough?” Their time as professional clothing hangers has passed, but that doesn’t mean they should be carelessly chucked aside.

There’s a sustainable alternative: repurpose your Aging Supermodels by upcycling them into sophisticated modern furnishings with these simple DIY projects.


Artisanal couch throw

Aging supermodels generate great warmth with that extra five to ten pounds they’ve gained in retirement. Simply unfold Elle McPherson across the back off your couch, et voila! Much like her clothing line, she’ll keep your home warm and stylish. So curl up with Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book and use her hair as a lap blanket.


Coat Rack

In this simple hack, form truly meets function. Park Kate Moss by the front door and toss your favorite coat over her face! This keeps her crow’s feet nicely hidden, and your jackets within convenient reach while saving Kate from damaging UVA/UVB rays.


Sexy Door stop

Lay Claudia Schiffer on her side in a fetal position. Hook her knees around your front door and welcome the outside into your home, Frank Lloyd Wright-style. Simple, functional, and earth-friendly.


Bespoke Alarm Clock

Sit Naomi Campbell on your nightstand, legs neatly folded underneath her. She’ll take note of your sleep cycles. When it’s time to wake for your half marathon training, she’ll throw vintage flip phones at your face until you’re ready to run off some rage.


Area fan

Stand Cindy Crawford and Christy Turlington back-to-back. Have them rotate their arms. Boom! You’ve got a combined windmill/area fan gorgeously offset by Cindy’s mole, and you’ve got energy-efficient air conditioning to boldly complement your House of Style! Bonus: That supermodel arm flab gets hella toned. Maybe she’s born with it, but probably it’s Crossfit.

 

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photoillustration by Marty Dundics

Written by Erica Lies

Erica Lies

Erica Lies is a writer and comedian in Austin, Texas. Her humor writing has appeared in the Splitsider Humor Section, the Huffington Post, and Bullshitist. Twitter & Instagram: @ericaliesalot

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