My mom isn’t exactly Steve Jobs, but she does know how to forward jokes through her inbox.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.  See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ‘ For Marijuana’

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy,

We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It’s Called …. THERAPY

My mom seriously forwards me all these emails…ridiculous!

How do you tell if a Jersey girl did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Beautiful Jersey Girl

Three men were talking about their new wives duties. The first man had an Illinois woman and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had a Michigan woman. He had given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third had a beautiful Jersey girl. Her new duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

An old lady came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Dr Johnson, but they’re silent, and they have no odor. In fact, I’ve farted no less than six times since I’ve been here. What can I do?”

“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days. Then come back and see me in a week.”

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr Johnson’s office, “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is now much worse. I’m farting just as much and they’re still silent, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Barker,” replied the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we can begin to work on your hearing!”

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office for his wife’s test results. The lab tech told him, “I’m sorry sir, but there has been a mix-up. When we sent the sample from your wife to the lab, a sample from another Mrs. Smith was also sent, and now we’re uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, the news is either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?” asked the concerned spouse.

“Well,” the medic explained, “one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS.”

“Can we do the test over?” the husband cried.

“Normally, but your HMO won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once,” said the technician.

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?” Mr. Smith demanded.

The lab tech replied, “The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of the woods. If she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”

A young woman in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. “I’m afraid I don’t have a husband,” she replies.

“Okay. Do you have a boyfriend?” asks the midwife.

“No, no boyfriend either.”

“Do you have a partner then?”

“No, I’m not attached; I’ll be having my baby on my own.” After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

“You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.”

“Well,” replies the girl, “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry, “ says the midwife, “that’s really none of my business, and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”

“Well, yes,” the girl again replies, “you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further, but your baby also has slanted eyes.”

“Yes,” continues the girl, “there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying, and the mother exclaims, “Thank God for that!”

“What do you mean?” says the midwife, shocked.

“Well, “ says the girl extremely relieved, “I was afraid she was going to bark.”

A total babe goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks.

“Yes,” she replies. “You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.”

“That’s right,” says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer,” she replies.

“Correct,” says the doctor.

Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her.

“Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it’s affecting his cardiovascular system. He’s a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don’t do the following four things, your husband will surely die. First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores. Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed.”

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, “So, I saw the doctor talking to you, and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.