Inside Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction, 44 animatronic past commanders-in-chief methodically nod, gesture, and dutifully regurgitate dry soundbites from American history. Now, the robotic representation of our 45th President Donald J. Trump has been added to the show, and he’s already stirring things up by issuing a series of executive orders for The Magic Kingdom from his new perch.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #1:
I’m proud to announce that the Magic Kingdom is being rebranded into the newest Trump Resort. It will be called ‘Trump World & Casino Kingdom’. And people, it’s going to be so friggin’ classy. A billion people have already lined up to buy lifetime passes. It’s gonna be brass and Swarovski crystals and eastern European models as far as the eye can see. I’m single-handedly going to save the Disney brand, which, let’s face it, like politics, was very boring and predictable and bad before me. These so-called “Presidents” I’m up onstage with are, I’m sorry to say, a bunch of very sad losers. No offense but they’re all garbage people. But don’t worry, we’re going to take care of it.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #2:
I’m appointing Steve Bannon to join the Hall of Presidents. He can take Chester A. Arthur’s seat, that guy is low energy, he does nothing. But Steve, what a guy. What a patriot. No one deserves it more. And he already looks like a melting wax sculpture, so little preparation will be required. You’re welcome, America.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #3:
Right now, there are a whole lot of bad hombres just monorailing wherever they want inside our Disney borders, prowling around The Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse, constantly raping and murdering whomever they want from the second we open until the Wishes Nighttime Fireworks Spectacular. Well, that ends today. I’m calling for extreme vetting from anyone traveling into Main Street, U.S.A. or Liberty Square. And if you’re from Adventureland, forget it. You’re banned. Let be be clear: THIS IS NOT A BAN. But you’re so banned. For instance, we have reason to believe that Aladdin isn’t even a prince as he has claimed. We’re in the process of obtaining his longform birth certificate, but we can now say with all certainty that he’s probably ISIS.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #4:
The Country Bear Jamboree will headline my next inaugural, it’s going to be a beautiful tribute to that underrated classic Song of the South featuring Attorney General Jeff Sessions on the washboard.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #5:
The park infirmary stations are no longer free. We’re going to repeal and replace them with something freaking awesome, and I totally already know what it is so just shut up about it. It’s so detailed you won’t even believe it. Spoiler alert: it’s tanning beds.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #6:
The pirate inmates inside the minimum-security detention cells of The Pirates of Caribbean ride will be transferred to Guantanamo Bay for further interrogation.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #7:
We’re building a big, big, beautiful wall around Space Mountain and we’re going to make Frontierland pay for it. My critics say the wall will cost 25 billion to build, but that’s insane. I’ve run the numbers myself and it will cost roughly $79.50, or roughly the cost of this gorgeous 32-ounce souvenir Space Mountain Dew mug. It’s refillable, people. But America isn’t, not anymore.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #8:
Sleeping Beauty is now married to me. Boom. Done. She looks so much like my scorching hot daughter Ivanka, don’t you think? What a looker. I usually don’t go for women over 30, because that’s so gross, but in Princess Aurora’s case I’ll make an exception.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #9:
Under the watchful eye of Scott Pruitt, we’re going to roll back so many of these stupid environmental regulations so we can at last begin common-sense, responsible fracking on Splash Mountain.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #10:
At the wise suggestion of my not at all offputting sons Eric and Donald Jr, it is now legal and encouraged to hunt anything that moves inside the Enchanted Tiki Room. They’re no longer on the endangered species list, there are like a million birds in there. Have at them.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #11:
The “Be Our Guest” Beauty And The Beast-themed French Bistro inside Fantasyland is now officially renamed the Marine Le Pen Deportation Hut.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #12:
We’re Expanding The Mad Tea Party from a ride to an immersive, full-park experience. Because it’s about much more than just spinning in crazy circles while screaming, it’s a powerful movement.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #13:
The ‘It’s a Small World’ ride will no longer feature any vaguely ethnic children. When those nations are sending their tiny robot children to us, they aren’t sending their best, though some, I assume, are good synthetic people. From now on it will only feature the only nations that matter: the US and Russia. Also, it will now be called ‘It’s a Yuuuuge World.’
EXECUTIVE ORDER #14:
The Carousel of Progress has been renamed Breitbart’s ‘America First’ Pony Palace. Also it will now move only in fitful jerks backward that are nauseating, while somehow not entirely unexpected. Thrilling. Thrilling.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #15:
We now have reason to believe Hillary Clinton sent unsecured email messages, in Benghazi, to none other than local warlord Jafar. Today’s 3pm “Dream It, Do It, Be It, Dance It, Braid It” parade has been cancelled so we can waterboard them both for answers in front of Cinderella’s Castle, or as I like to call it, “The Summer Mar-A-Lago”.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #16:
Kellyanne Conway is now an official Disney princess. She will replace Mulan, who, while very beautiful, has been revealed to be in this country illegally and is currently on a plane back to ancient China where she belongs. I’m getting rid of the radicals: America First.
Have a magical day, and God Bless the Happiest Place on Earth.