By Mike Rosolio

Want to gain the upper hand in an argument or negotiation? Do what the pros do! Sure, it’s easy to win the day if you have substantial evidence, persuasive facts, or if you’re just rock-solid Correct. But if the fight isn’t Tyson-McNeeley, employ the tactical forearm shiver that is a demeaning nickname.

Examine the following:

Executive One: “It’s my position that your oil investments are worth between three and five percent less than projected.”

Looks pretty good. Takes a strong stance, includes specific stats, redundantly states that his position is his position. But, how about this for a power upgrade?

Executive One: “It’s my position that your oil investments are worth between three and five percent less than projected, Big Guy.”

Someone just closed an account.

The use of the aggressive nickname was made popular by fictional stock demon Gordon Gekko in 1987’s Wall Street, when he told a young Bud ‘Wild Thing’ Fox: “I don’t like losses, Sport.” But it can be traced all the way back to Ancient Egypt, when Moses demanded “Let My People Go!” to which Ramses replied, “No can do, Champ.”

When you give someone a pejorative nickname, you’re essentially reducing them to an infant, towering over them in intellect, grace, and balls. But nickname selection is not a haphazard process. It is recommended you print this out and turn it into a Quarterback Wristband for your next negotiating session: Read More

By Mike Rosolio

What do vodka, NBC and television magicians have in common? Actually, as that line is constructed, it becomes apparent that there could be a lot of through-lines. But the one initially decided upon is only apparent if you live in a heavily-advertisable population; one of the ‘big media markets’ where poorly timed traffic lights give maximum exposure to bigger-than-your-house’s-house billboards. First, a bit of history:

In the early nineties, music video director Mark Pellington made a killer film for U2, firing a million random words just a bit faster than the mind could process them. The video ended with the word ‘Believe’, and the middle LIE turning visibly red. And a faux-philosophy was born.

When Dennis Hopper’s photojournalist waxed, “Did you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in ‘life’?”, millions of pseudo-intellectuals immediately piggy-backed on the idea. The first time it is discovered (as with Hopper and Pellington), it’s sort of thought-provoking. The eleventh time, it’s ‘Whoomp There It Is’ or your mother saying, ‘Bling-Bling.’

If you drive around Los Angeles - one of the hot-zones of billboard bombardment - you will see not one, not two, but THREE separate advertisements all using the ‘beLIEve’ dog trick at the same time. For your consideration:

-Criss Angel, who gets credit for being a magician despite doing all of his tricks on recorded television with an effects budget, as a new collaboration with the actually talented Cirque Du Soleil at the Luxor. The title? ‘Criss Angel’s Believe.’

-The Event, an NBC show seemingly looking to fill the ‘Program With A Million Secrets Than Never Get Revealed’ void left by Lost, is promoted with the tagline: ‘What will you believe?’

(note: This is a legit miracle that the most frustrating part of a historically frustrating TV show is the part that’s being spun-off and repackaged. It’s sort of like someone seeing All In The Family and greenlighting a show called, ‘Epithets: a Journey to the Center of Ignorance.’ Kind of misses the point. Anyway…)

-Belvedere Vodka, which you know is high quality because it has a nice house on the bottle, has a billboard out there with a blindfolded drinker and, in big letters, BELieVE. Some media people are claiming it’s actually an attempt to get ‘Belve,’ a shorthand for Belvedere, into the lexicon. But the problem with M.C. Escher is that there isn’t a ‘right’ way to look at it.

The point is not that three different companies are using the same hackneyed slogan, it’s that they’re all doing it at the same time. I think this speaks to a larger problem: there is only one advertising company.

Millions of conspiracy theorists talk about a great, singular world government that is responsible for every newsworthy political decision across the globe. They point to the World Bank as evidence of this, protesting whenever decent bands will be present. That is closer to ridiculous than not. But advertisers aren’t faceless elderly white guys with gold rings and Persian cats. They’re guns for hire who will make a brick of Top Ramen look like gold rather than beef bouillon. And like any mercenary, there isn’t a sense of loyalty.

Start looking for through-lines as you drive through a billboard-centric area. You’ll see an awful lot of fruit in booze ads, Demetri Martin-esque one-liners under fuel-efficient cars, and a mandate to ‘Express Onself’ via your selection of eyewear. Call this the opening salvo, but more attention will be paid to this unique possibility: there’s one man behind the curtain hellbent on selling you anything and everything.

Who knows, you may start to believe it.

By Mike Rosolio

Relative Victory is a distinctly American concept.

That’s not to say global lexicons and maxim tomes ignore the grey areas of success and failure. They just tend to lean more toward the pessimistic. In bowls across the planet, there’s a discoloration in an otherwise tasty lobster bisque that, despite how delicious the stock, will be returned and replaced with a gazpacho. They have the Pyrrhic Victory, one in which the success is marred by terrible losses. We have the Relative Victory, determined to clutch any degree of positivity from the foamy jaws of defeat. This is one of the many reasons Why The Terrorists Hate Us.

Another reason is our attempt to foist upon them our various secular tropes and standards such as democracy, the comforts of running water, and not putting a rock through a woman’s head at the beck and call of her husband who thought the couscous was a little dry. Also on this list: relativity. Read More

FOD has a great infographic via Online Schools about Bill Murray, and we even get a mention! Take in some little known facts about everyones favorite smartass.


Via: Online School

By Jeff Holbrook

This is Dr. J. Holbrook and I have a very pressing question for this edition of Ask a FAKE Doctor. This question leaves a personal burden over my heart. It is not something that should be taken lightly and it is very deadly. Hopefully, I will reach out and save lives due to my experience with it and my knowledge of the medical field.

Question: Is it possible to get tetanus from a rubber bouncy ball? (Submitted by Tony Massa) Read More

By Blake Pickens

In recent years, when asked whether or not there was an upgrade from porn and prostitution, I responded that there was none and that they had wasted my time by even asking me such a stupid question. Then I would quickly apologize because I realized that my anger wasn’t really towards them, but towards myself for not knowing an answer to this pressing question. Is there an upgrade? Is there a way to achieve a higher level of satisfaction than that provided by two of the world’s most lucrative careers? There was no way that this was even possible; it just seemed absurd. Being paid for sex just seemed too splendid to improve. However, in a recent turn of events, Jason Andrews and Amanda Logue may have found the answer. They have rocked the boat, and turned the world upside down. It seems that they have found a more gratifying position; they had upgraded…to murder.

Read More

By Jeff Holbrook

Rachel Veitch, 91, is probably the biggest threat to our country’s national security at the moment. It seems outlandish due to the age of the terrorist, but she has a weapon under her control that is far scarier than any nuclear device: her 46-year-old car. God help us! Read More

By Blake Pickens

In a somewhat recent development, an Ohio woman was arrested for posing as a 14 year-old boy in order to have a sexual relationship with a girl in her teens. Unfortunately for her, this beautiful relationship had to end, as is not San Francisco so this sort of thing won’t fly. Instead of being celebrated in parades full of essentially naked citizens who are not proud to be a part of the only country where they can have the freedoms they have today, she was charged with unlawful sexual conduct and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Ridiculous? Maybe. It’s time for a look into her “crimes” and what really happened.

Read More

By Blake Pickens

This just in, if you are spending your time jobless and volunteering, you may be an idiot. It seems that during this recession, while people could be spending their time looking for jobs, they have instead decided to volunteer. Last time I checked, volunteering doesn’t make you any money; however, in this age of “change,” things could work differently. Unfortunately, I’m almost certain that the only compensation you receive for volunteer work is that feeling of satisfaction of sacrifice for the help of others. I guess their families will be forced to starve while they get off on lending a hand, when there are plenty of jobs that the Mexicans flooding Arizona have yet to take.

Read More

By Jeff Holbrook and Blake Pickens

Dr. J. Holbrook here with the final edition of the AAFD Natural Disasters series. This week I am focusing on the hottest of Mother Nature’s disastrous children: Volcanoes. A volcano is a rupture of the earth’s surface which allows hot magma, gases, and ash to erupt onto the crust. These monstrous mountains are formed where the earth’s tectonic plates converge and diverge. I have asked Volcano Master B. Pickens to weigh in on the hot subject.

Holbrook: Welcome back to the hot seat, Master Pickens. Have you ever been at the scene of a volcanic eruption? Read More

By Stuart Thompson

17-year-old Abbi Obermiller, who had been missing in Ohio for nearly a month, was found in the attic of an apartment being leased by her 20-year-old boyfriend Robert “Bobby” Young. Obermiller is safe and in relatively good health according to the police report. But what was more intriguing to officials at the scene was a diary found in the attic where Obermiller had been hiding for several weeks. Investigators examined the diary and found that she had chronicled the entire ordeal she had experienced, from running away from home on June 7^th to her discovery on June 30^th. Below are some excerpts from her diary, in which Obermiller used the pseudonym “Anna Francis.” Read More

By Stuart Thompson

It makes many cringe to see an emaciated twenty-something wearing skinny jeans, a light blue vintage unicorn shirt, and a beanie on a seventy-five degree summer afternoon at a café no one has ever heard of. Such acts of starvation, arrogance, and lack of culture are normally characteristic of Midwestern middle school girls, but add horn-rimmed glasses, a tweed fedora, and a circular scarf and you’ve created the essence of the hipster culture. How ironic. Read More

By Mike Rosolio

It started with Anchorman. Costarring alongside Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd was a trend from the seventies that was as ubiquitous as coke spoons and tight slacks: the mustache. Then, you had Hot Rod, a film who’s humor may have entirely revolved around strange looking facial hair. When Adam Morrison’s tears, invoked by Gonzaga’s loss in the NCAA tournament, were sopped up by a wispy forest beneath his nose, it was officially on. Before you know it, every mediocre improv troupe had at least one guy with a big fat stache to make up for his lack of humor otherwise. Googling ‘funny mustache’ yields 54,000 results.

The hipsters call it An Ironic Mustache.

The trouble is, they only seem to know what ‘mustache’ means. Read More

By Stuart Thompson

The rules of biology and common sense were bent to the breaking point in Northern India recently as Bhateri Devi, 66, gave birth to triplets after receiving in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatment. This was much to the excitement of Devi(l) and her husband Deva Singh, 64, but much to the dismay and disgust of every other person in the world. I too was shocked by the medical feat and had to see for myself, so I traveled to India’s Haryana state to visit the National Fertility Centre and find out what I could about what in many countries is considered a crime against humanity. Read More

It was happily announced yesterday that one Mr. Thomas Beatie gave birth to his third child, making him the first man to ever to push out little baby Beaties with semi-Octomomic fervor.

We remember the first time Mr. Beatie got knocked up and Oprah and her audience went all gaga over the story before she announced that pregnant men were her new favorite things and everyone in the audience would be going home with one. But before we continue to revel in the wonder that is male obstetrics, can we please acknowledge that Thomas Beatie’s ability to give birth is no more of a physical wonder than whatever your mom went through to have you, nor does it do anything to redefine traditional gender roles?

There’s only been one pregnant man ever. His name was Arnold Schwarzenegger and through the magic of prosthetics and additional Hollywood special effects, he gave birth in the movie Junior.

While we support Thomas Beatie’s right to give birth, identify as and be recognized as a man; all of the headlines celebrating the fact that as a “man” he’s been knocked up a trio of times make it seem as though he’s done so through the miracle of immaculate conception. It’s as if each child has spent nine months gestating in his vas deferens before following the birth canal through the male sex organ and bursting through an ever so tiny hole.

Thomas Beatie may be a man now, but he was born a woman and his insides are still very much womanly. Ladies, we know you have that dream of sexing your man up only to spend nine months waiting on your bloated and moody male counterpart as he sits on the couch watching sports and eating pickles and peanut butter all in anticipation of delivering you that daughter you’ve always wanted, but it’s just not going to work that way. That is…unless you find yourself a good man…a good man who used to be a woman. And don’t forget to fill him with your sperm. You’ve got sperm, right?

By Jeff Holbrook

The fear of global warming is the main antagonist plaguing the minds of citizens around the world, threatening to kill our planet off once and for all, right? Wrong. It actually starts in Pittsfield, MA. Due to the heat wave that has taken the east coast by storm, Pittsfield officials chose to close down the town’s sprinkler activity for three days in order to “lessen the strain on Pittsfield’s water supply.” Genocide is the smart way to go in this situation.

Read More

By Mike Rosolio

Los Angeles is at war.

No, this is not a promotion for Jared Leto’s band or any act that designs their own version of conformity and advertises it as independence (you’re not expressing yourself with the ironic t-shirt, you’re expressing Urban Outfitters). This is about something uniquely American; a true little guy vs The Man tale. A knock-down, drag-out mudslinging contest from which someone will win, and someone will be destroyed forever and cast into the pyres of Greyskull.

Okay, it’s about food trucks.

Read More

By Jeff Holbrook and Blake Pickens

This is Dr. J. Holbrook and I am going to talk about one of the scariest issues that our society is facing today. It addresses a subject that has been ignored and bounced around other professionals for years. I am not going to let it go unanswered any longer.

Question: Is it possible to become pregnant despite not having ANY sexual activity? (Submitted by Lois Einhorn) Read More

This comes to us across the pond, being a designer myself it always amazes me how often people assume you can do their little projects as soon as possible. Like you have a super power and if you dont help, its like you are ignoring the needs of the helpless. How horrible of you!

This is a perfect example of design genius with a whole shitload of attitude all wrapped up in a nice e-mail chain of fun.

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

From: Shannon
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David
Subject: Poster

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From: David
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
From: David
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one.

Read it all and see all the lost cat posters here.

By Blake Pickens

We live in tough times; the economy is in peril, and starving children refuse to work for food, simply because they’d rather be lazy and beg in the streets. Fellow citizens often ask me, “Blake, what can I do with three dollars?” Until now I haven’t really been able to give them a solid answer other than that they should stop asking me how to spend their money and start making their own decisions. But, with hand grenades in Bujumbura, Burundi costing only three dollars, I finally have a valid answer:

Read More

By Stuart Thompson

Not long after Apple’s iPhone 4 was released in mid-June have complaints arisen, many of them in response to issues with the phone’s reception due to the phone’s built-in antennae. Most users have had no issues whatsoever with the iPhone 4. They’ve cited it as one of the greatest gifts Apple has given to humankind, greater even than the gift of life. However, there have been issues reported, including a loss of signal bars when pressing on the “antennagate” in the lower right side of the antenna bar and call dropping. Read More

By Blake Pickens

With the recent spike in terrorist attacks, the average age for suicide bombing has greatly decreased. Child suicide bombers are being produced by the hundreds. Every minute, approximately 245 births occur; some of these children will grow up to become objects of death. This is a ghastly reality, showing mankind in its worst, most hateful light, the kind of story that forces one to sit back and question the true ‘humanity’ of man. But is it the worst thing in the world? You never know until you look.

Read More

By Jeff Holbrook

This is Dr. J. Holbrook and I have a paralyzing question for this week’s edition of AAFD. It will leave you stunned and practically glued to your seat. Especially if you have a super hero complex. Check it out.

Question: Is being paralyzed the next best thing to being invincible? (Question submitted by Daniel “Boone” Strohmeyer) Read More

By Blake Pickens

Not guilty by reason of insanity.  This is the verdict for Otty Sanchez, a Texas mother, for mutilating and dismembering her newborn son, Scott Wesley Buchholz-Sanchez; she must have really hated him.  What could a newborn child do that could make Otty so violent?  Could it have been done while he was still a fetus?  Is it Scott’s fault that he was killed?  All these questions and more are in the minds of citizens across the United States.  It is time that we put an end to the confusion, and prove once and for all that Scott was responsible for his own death.

Read More

By Jeffrey Holbrook and Blake Pickens

This is Dr. J. Holbrook and I am going to talk about earthquakes in this edition of AAFD. I recently interviewed earthquake master B. Pickens in order to fully understand how they work and the amount of damage they prefer to do to the innocent. Here is the interview:

Holbrook: I’ve heard several experts describe them over the years, but what is your definition of an earthquake? Read More

It was tweeted and announced late Monday that the “Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series’ category will not be televised on the Emmy Awards this year, which is being broadcast on NBC.

What an incredible coincidence!? AMAZING! Since for years they have televised it and for even more years they’ve had the hosts of those very programs honored in that category HOST the event.

I guess there are just too many reality categories that people want to see instead. Forget the Daily Show, I wanna see who is going to beat Fattest Loser this year!

Clearly NBC doesn’t want Conan shown on TV winning, which is probably what will happen and also clearly Jay Leno made a few calls because he is the most talentless sack of shit I’ve ever seen. ( insert funny smirk and head wiggle here)

I think we ( meaning you) should start a online thing to boycott the Emmys. Someone go use facebook or something to start that. I’m too old to figure it out on my own.

By Jeff Holbrook

You remember Adolf Hitler, right? He was that German tyrant that was responsible for the Holocaust and the murders of countless Jews among other nationalities. The man had his face blown off recently in Inglorious Basterds and is currently getting full pineapples shoved up his ass in hell. He even wrote a book while he was in prison called Mein Kampf. It’s not possible to be unaware of this mother Kampfer and this is the story of how Hitler’s Kampf may not have been such a Kampf after all . . . Read More

By Blake Pickens

Diet Coke, vanilla extract; two ingredients, that when combined, create a noxious cocktail that left Tennessee resident, Kelly Moss, parked on the curb nearly hitting a telephone pole. Her car was found outside of Arlington Middle School, where some have claimed she may have been waiting to pick up the child of a relative. Others suspect that she was there with darker intentions, such as abduction or sexual molestation of children and/or small animals. Both options are being weighed equally until a consensus is reached. However, it’s time to take a look back at the fateful day of the scene.

Read More

By Blake Pickens

As with all good things, this National Parks segment must eventually come to an end.  Today is that day.  It’s been a good ride. We’ve had our ups and downs, but through it all we’ve had fun.  I’ll never forget the time we spent in Aspen, when you got too sick to ski, so we spent the entire trip inside by the fireplace.  It was beautiful.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’ve been a valuable part of the organization, but your services are no longer needed.  I will always remember you, and I hope that we can stay in touch. We can still be friends, right?

Friday, Tip #5:

To Do:

Observe the various woodland creatures that inhabit the park grounds.

Not To Do:

Bring your mentally challenged, future serial killer son to the park to murder and molest small animals before he begins to move on to bigger prey.

By Jeff Holbrook and Blake Pickens

This is Dr. J. Holbrook with another Natural Disaster edition of AAFD. Today the topic of disastrous discussion is those bastards of the sky: Tornadoes. I have recently met with Senior Tornadologist and Master B. Pickens to discuss the devilish funnels. (The following interview was conducted via phone and I was in a safe area surrounded by hillsides and tall buildings.)

Holbrook: I know that as a practiced Tornadologist you have studied these powerful bullies of the sky, but have you ever personally been caught in the middle of one of them? Read More

By Blake Pickens

Hi again!  I don’t know if you’re excited, but I am.  Today is Thursday; the week’s just flown by, but with each coming day comes another excellent tip. We’re almost at the end of this week’s segment, but don’t fret.  I will continue to drop knowledge on you throughout the coming weeks, just on different subjects that are important to you.  Until then, enjoy today’s tip…it’s a keeper!

To Do:

Donate a few extra dollars to the park office so that they can better the experience for future visitors.

Not To Do:

Don’t steal money from the office to support your increased dependence on prescription medications.

By Blake Pickens

Hey, I’m glad you came back; I knew you enjoyed these tips.  Guess what?  Today’s tip is will blow your mind; it’s some real philosophical stuff.  It might even confuse you, but you’re too smart for that.  Anyway, here you go.  It’s hump day, and time for a great tip from a great mind.

To Do:

Set up at a campsite and spend a quiet evening with your family.

Not To Do:

Coerce the kids in the neighboring tent into a night of unadulterated molestation.

By Blake Pickens

Over the past couple of years, over $12,000 in welfare money has been dispensed from strip club ATMs. This could cause some to think that welfare is being misused, but that’ not the way we see it. Instead, being optimists, this leads us to believe that even during times of recession, strip clubs will still be profitable, at least according to noted economist and doctor Jeff Holbrook. His leading research in the field of economics has helped many in times of recession. In his new book, Helping Banks with Strippers, Pimps, and a Little Sucky-Sucky, he describes how financial institutions can use the business model of most strip clubs to themselves from failing. We have had the honor of receiving the first statement by Dr. Holbrook regarding his book and its message. This is what he had to say:

Read More

By Blake Pickens

It’s Tuesday, the second day of the workweek, and time for our second tip in the national parks series.  If you thought yesterday’s was helpful, you’ll love today’s.  Keep following throughout the week, they only get better and better.

To Do:

Spend the afternoon snorkeling, viewing fish in their natural, undisturbed habitats.

Not To Do:

Spill oil into the lakes and streams in an effort to one-up BP.

By Blake Pickens

It’s summer time again, and families across the country are looking for ways to spend their vacation. What better way to relax as a family, pretending to get along and enjoy each other’s company, than at a National Park? Throughout the rest of the week, I will be providing you with tips on what to do and what not to do at a National Park. This is very valuable information, so pay close attention and follow my instructions word for word, as I am providing a service that most would pay for.

Monday, Tip #1:

To Do:

Enjoy nature’s beauty away from the city, taking in the awe-inspiring sights.

Not To Do:

Start a forest fire because you think that true beauty comes alive through flames.

By Stuart Thompson

Everyone wants that beautiful house with a green, mowed lawn and a white picket fence in that quiet suburban town outside the city. It’s a place to start a family; it’s the American Dream. However, with the growing trend amongst Americans toward getting married later in life, allowing young men and women to focus on their careers, this American dream of a beautiful suburban home with a family cannot be realized. Read More

Master Blake Pickens (B Pickens for short), Dr. Jeff Holbrook, and Stuart Thompson reporting on a pressing issue.  During our journey through the land of the free and the home of the brave, we heard from an ancient Japanese man, the tale of a society relying on Big Macs and turtledoves.  Needless to say he was a little on the insane side; however, he was a genius.  His maniacal ranting went on for hours, but the one thing that we understood from his story was that he was upset with childhood obesity in America.  After his meeting he sent us on our way with chocolates and kimonos, which we immediately changed in to and gave our appreciation for his kindness and caring touch (which we all experienced on a personal level).

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By Stuart Thompson

Teacher Ca Sondra Gutierrez began to feel menstrual pains but could not understand the extra intensity of her cramps. Something was amiss. She knew she wasn’t pregnant because she had not gained weight, felt any great hormonal changes, or felt the presence of a fetus in her uterus. But the pains she was experiencing resembled the description of labor pains that her mother had mentioned before. What could have been happening to her? Gutierrez was convinced that she was passing a tumor through her vagina, which, according to Dr. J. Holbrook, is a perfectly reasonable explanation. “As the great Bill Nye once said: it’s science.” Read More

By Blake Pickens

Aliens, JFK, the moon landing, and 9/11; all government conspiracies; however, they all pale in comparison to the latest conspiracy uncovered by suspicious citizens. Spending their days locked away in their basements, raising various insects in preparation for the eventual apocalypse, they have stumbled upon a dirty little trick the government has slowly pulled on all Americans. Perhaps this conspiracy has been their most dastardly of all in that they are hitting us where we least expect it, on our dinner plates as we sit happily around the table with the rest of our obese family members.

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By Jeffrey Holbrook and Blake Pickens

This is Dr. J. Holbrook. Welcome to another edition of Ask a FAKE Doctor. I am here with another fan submitted question regarding the health and safety of all of you fine citizens.

Is it possible to get any type of cancer from cell phones even if you do not talk on them? (Question submitted by Edward Samoraj) Read More