5 Obscure Body Parts From The American Body Politic

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

If you’re seeking the seminal “list” sort of “article,” filled with contemporary political jokes about the salacious details on the innards (and outards) of figures who grace the media on a routine basis, you’re in the wrong place. Really, it’s far too easy — like the combination to Bristol Palin’s lock on her chastity belt.

Here, you won’t find jokes about pin-ups of Levi Johnston’s johnson circulating underneath bathroom stalls at the Y.M.C.A. Nor will you spot a glob of Bill Love, as it’s not worth spilling more ink over. As much as I would like to, I’ll avoid my mind’s eye comparison of Sarah Palin’s vagina to the Laverne & Shirley opening sequence at the brewery. Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Don’t sing that.

Instead, I’d rather present a brief, slightly nuanced, picture of biology in American political science. I mean really, the modern body politic is not the type of America I like to remember. The nanosecond political intellectual brain-jackings that drive by daily are simply not a logical way to learn from our past. That’s why you kids must learn to be a bit more “micro” and a little less “macro” when it comes to United States history. Makes perfect sense. Know what I’m sayin’? Micro yo:

#5 — Captain David Dickerson’s Posterior

Capt. Dickerson. United States Army. President Lincoln’s body guard and keeper of his Executive Branch.

I know what you’re thinking: “What else is new? We all know Lincoln liked buggering dudes and all.”

Well, for those naysayers who attempt to disprove this fact noted in books theorizing multiple gay Lincoln encounters, you’re wrong. That Honest Abe was nicknamed “Honest,” and was married to one Mary Todd Lincoln is a compelling argument — consistent with society’s firm conceptualization of wedded bliss nowadays.

Honest marriages aside, when Mrs. Lincoln wasn’t home, Abe was getting a little nookie on the DL. You see, if mega-buttinski Mary Lincoln’s prying eyes weren’t about, President Lincoln was sharing his bed (using your tax-dollars Glenn Beck fans) with the good captain:

For nearly eight months in 1862-3, Capt. David Derickson led the brigade that guarded Lincoln at the Soldiers’ Home in the District of Columbia, the Camp David of the day. Derickson, in the words of his regiment’s history, published three decades later, ”advanced so far in the president’s confidence and esteem that in Mrs. Lincoln’s absence he frequently spent the night at his cottage, sleeping in the same bed with him, and — it is said — making use of his Excellency’s night shirt!”

Off came the night shirt, out came Dickerson.

Mary Lincoln -- She Tried

#4 — Thomas Jefferson’s Man Lumps

If you’re not up on your history, you might want to look up another body part President Jefferson enjoyed using. Like, if Jefferson had a future-moving gadget or something, he would totally dig the song Black Betty.

Anyhow, President Jefferson had boils on his ass:

In the third week of taking the waters at Warm Springs (1818) Jefferson developed boils on his buttocks. (The 50+ mile ride to the spa plus possibly unsanitary conditions there may have predisposed to the illness.) As may be imagined, his homeward return ride was a trial. Once home, for several weeks he conducted his correspondence lying down. He did not ride a horse for several months. “Jefferson always believed that this experience had greatly injured his health”

Evangelicals claim the boils hailed from the wrath of God due to Jefferson’s interracial sexual proclivities. Other, more scientific Evangelicals, claim the buttocks-boil infestation sprung from God’s distaste for slavery and hypocrisy.

"Why don't you shove that hat up your ass String-Bean?"

#3 — William Howard Taft’s Shadow

President Taft was a fatty-fat. You must know this. At his peak he tipped the scales at 335-340 pounds. My man was the fattest president to ever occupy the White House. He was so fat, he got stuck in the White House bathtub and had to be removed by some fat-president-pickeruppers. In fact, the good folks over at “Fat Bastards Bathing Equipment” had to make a brand new big ass fat tub for him.

But see, his whole ginormous body simply doesn’t qualify as a “body part” for purposes of this list. Strictly speaking.

Taft’s shadow fits into this List-A-PaLooza and obviously is a body part. And you know what? The shadow knows. The shadow knows President Taft probably never saw his own adult wiener.

#2 — Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s Pigmented Lesion

FDR. One of the nation’s greatest presidents. The obvious body parts here are his legs — which were as useful to him as a life-preserver tied down with massive lead weights and thrown to a drowning monkey at sea. President Roosevelt had a bout of the hysterical polio. :(

His pelvis didn’t work either. Elanor (ER) could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.

Lemme tell you something (Mean Gene), the lesion doesn’t get enough pub:

Two independent lines of evidence suggest FDR had a malignant melanoma excised while in the White House:

1. Between 1920 and 1932 FDR developed an enlarging pigmented lesion above his left eye. This lesion vanished between 1940 and 1944, leaving a scar and a sparse lateral eyebrow.
2. During lectures in 1963 and 1965, Dr. George Pack stated that his friend, Dr. Frank Lahey of Boston, had seen FDR in consultation in 1944 and had informed the president that he had a metastatic tumor, and advised him not to run for a fourth term.

Did you see that? The lesion vanished. Gone. Why? Some theorize this was the first noted instance of cosmetic surgery and therefore, the disappearance of the fiendish pigmented lesion. Others question the veracity of such reporting, wondering why FDR would really care. Ain’t like he was goin’ dancing trying to look purty for some hottie.

#1 — Bobby Kennedy’s Finger

November 22nd, 1963. A day that will live in infamy (until September 11th had to go and ruin everything).

President John F. Kennedy was assassinated and the eyes of the world turned to his younger brother, Bobby. What most people don’t know is where Bobby’s finger went to prior to his untimely demise:

Six months after JFK’s death, during a May 1964 dinner cruise on the presidential yacht the USS Sequoia, Bobby and Jackie “exchanged poignant glances” before disappearing below deck, leaving Ethel upstairs. “When they returned, they looked as chummy and relaxed as a pair of Cheshire cats,” according to Schlesinger.

At the Kennedys’ Palm Beach estate during Christmas 1964, socialite Mary Harrington saw Jackie sunbathing topless, with Bobby kneeling at her side.

“As they began to kiss, he placed one hand on her breast and the other inside of her bikini bottom,” Harrington recalled.

“I was shocked. It was clear that Bobby was sleeping with his sister-in-law.”

For any inaccuracies here, I’m sorry. Might have been two fingers. Peace.

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