A ‘Cinco De Mayo’ For All Seasons

by Mike Rosolio

Today, millions of Americans will celebrate the Mexican holiday of Cinco De Mayo. And an equal number of Mexicans will wonder why. Cinco De Mayo, often misconstrued as Mexican Independence Day, is the date of the shocking Mexican upset of the French army at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. This is like the Germans raising glasses in honor of Ralph Sampson’s UVA squad losing to Chaminade.

The bottom line is that Americans love a chance to don an funny hat and drink an American beer with an ethnic sounding name. So why stop with our neighbors to the south? Here are a few other great occassions to toast someone else’s forgotten fortune.

January

26th -  Canadian national holiday marking the birthday of Wayne Gretzky. It spread worldwide when The Great One teamed up with Bo Jackson and Michael Jordan to fight crime and a slow Nike Q4.

February

3rd - Consenant Day in Croatia, marking the expulsion of the last vowel from the land.

March

18th - The historic date when the nation of Chad decided upon their name, eliminating Todd, Kyle, and The Big Cheese from contention.

April

29th -  Finnish holiday celebrating that time Urho fell down a flight of stairs, only to find a quarter at the bottom.

May

6th - Mexican Laughing Day, when everyone shares a good chuckle about how much f**king money drunken Americans poured into their country on the previous day.

June

14th - On this day in The Gambia in 1978, we celebrate the day a shepherd named Terrence Geef ate a chicken without choking on any of the bones.

July

17th - Craigslist Vanuatu sells its first item: a seven-step-ladder with a painter’s stand, a wobbly rear foot, and a dented top. The item was sold for $4 and was covered in blood.

August

29th - The day the machines wiped out humanity. Sarah Connor loses 100 pounds in two seconds.

September

16th - A day in Barbados. Seriously, it’s nice.

October

1st - Memorable day in Montenegro when George Wallace stopped suggesting the country be renamed to Montecoloredpeople.

November

25th -  In 1996, Suriname celebrated its 21st birthday. It had a great time, but definitely threw up on Brazil.

December

31st - The holiest of holy days for New Zealand on which, in 2001, people first started mistaking their nation for Middle Earth.

These all make about as much sense as Cinco De Mayo and are a sponsor away from being foisted upon us all. Cheers.