A Kidnapper’s Guide to Matt Damon

by Daniel Dean

So you have kidnapped Matt Damon. Good for you. Millions of Americans think about doing this their whole lives but never realize their true Matt Damon kidnapping potential. You are living the dream.

• Want to shelter Matt Damon, childlike, from perceived enemies;
• Have killer screenplay Damon would be a fool not to read;
• Want to have rough non-consentual intercourse with Matt Damon;
• Want to co-write killer screenplay with Damon about rough non-consentual intercourse between famous actor and his sensitive, thougful abductor;
• Would enjoy dressing up Matt Damon;
• Would enjoy dressing up using Matt Damon (see Chapter 5: Making a Suit Out of Matt Damon)

Always remember that Matt Damon is not like ordinary people. Perhaps your previous kidnappings were satisfied to watch television or claw their way through the cinderblocks in your basement., but this will not stand with an actor of Matt Damon’s caliber. He expects better from his kidnappers, and you owe it to yourself not to disappoint him.

Below is a list of suggestions on how to keep your Matt Damon entertained and delightfully amused until your sewing machine arrives in the mail.

Board Games

Board games pass the time nicely. Make sure you have plenty of these on hand in the basement, tool shed or sunken pit where your Matt Damon will be staying. Scrabble, for instance, can be fun! Matt Damon is not the kind of stuck-up celebrity who will mind if you play his tiles for him.

Remember, avoid words like “love” and “hope” as these tend to be low-scoring words. Concentrate instead on words like “violent”, “bowel” and “intrusion.” Matt Damon will appreciate your competitive strategies and, though he won’t say it, will be thinking strongly about becoming your best friend.

Tea Parties

You should have several life-sized cardboard cut-outs of nude models with Matt Damon’s head pasted onto them (see Chapter 11: So You Want To Become Matt Damon). Organize these around a table and treat Matt Damon to a delightful tea party.

Remember to offer him sugar for his tea. If he accepts, hurl the contents of the pot into his lap, shriek “Matt Damon does not take sugar in his tea! Matt Damon would never take sugar in his tea! Fuck you! Fuck you!” then run from the room crying. Run briskly, if possible. Do not dawdle!

Applying Groin Salve

Remember to keep plenty of groin salve on hand for Matt Damon’s scalded groin. Other celebrities might be self-conscious about you applying lotion to their genitals; not Matt Damon. If he let Ben Affleck do it, he will certainly allow you. You are his biggest fan, after all (and best friend, though it goes unspoken).

Using Your Imaginations

Veteran actors enjoy exercising their acting chops often. You don’t want to disappoint Matt Damon, possibly the greatest actor of all time. Tell each other ghost stories and folk tales to pass the time.

Alternatively, invite Matt Damon to invent a story in which he escapes to freedom as a way to keep him entertained. Be sure to note the details of this story, and later check your basement, tool shed or sunken pit for escape strategies you may have missed.

Q: What should I do if I’ve already kidnapped Gary Busey?

A: Remove the ball gag from Gary Busey’s mouth so he can tell Matt Damon how great he thinks Bourne Identity is. Be aware that Mr. Busey will take this opportunity to share anecdotes about D.C. Cab. Take care to remove all sharp objects from the room and move Matt Damon away from any potentially dangerous surfaces before attempting this.

Q: How do I encourage my Matt Damon to exercise regularly?

A: Leave the door to the basement/tool shed/baboon cage open when you leave. This should encourage Matt Damon to get the exercise he needs to maintain his Adonis-like figure, by tipping his chair over and dragging himself towards the door by his chin. Do not step in from the hallway until he is almost to the door, or you will break his concentration. Be sure to congratulate him on how far he got.

Q: I don’t intend to give Matt Damon back. Should I make ransom demands anyway?

A: Yes—free stuff! If you have not yet made ransom demands, be sure to call back and ask for a dunebuggy. Matt Damon may not approve, but in this instance it is all right if you go against his wishes. Dunebuggies kick ass.

Q: How can I tell if Matt Damon and I are best friends yet?

A: While buttoning Matt Damon’s shirt back up, quietly eye the carving knife buried in the wall. Ask Damon if he knows George Clooney’s address.

Our in-depth advice series continues next issue with Those Incredible Men In Their Flying Machines: Why Matt Damon And George Clooney Are Not Breeding.