A New Day for Haiti
Evan has never funded any international terrorism. He is a patriot, though his mom once told him his beard made him look like a terrorist. That hurt his feelings...a lot. You can visit him at his house or at http://evankessler.com. You can also follow him on twitter at @ekessdotcom
Anyone with even a hint of world knowledge can identify the Haitian nation as one of the most destitute on the planet Earth. The confluence of corruption, poverty, disease, famine, and the occasional natural disaster really puts a damper on the idea that one day catching a glimpse of Port Au-Prince and the land beyond won’t be so miserable. In efforts to improve their way of life and build on their future, the Haitian people recently took to the polls to elect a new president; a leader that would bring about hope, change, and a YES WE CAN attitude. Scratch that, I think all of those were trademarked by Obama. I don’t speak Haitian creole, but I think all of the candidate slogans were something along the lines of “vote for me, because seriously it could not get any worse.”
Sweet Micky Conducts His Own Poll...Er Pole.
With all of the preliminary hanging chads severed and the ballots counted, when the smoke cleared the Haitian people had found their new leader: A former pop star by the name of Michel “Sweet Micky” Martelly. Now, far be it from me to have the audacity to question the will of the Haitian people, but the name “Sweet Micky” inspires more confidence in someone who might be my crack dealer, a boxer, or the transvestite hooker on the corner moreso than the president of my country– but I doubt the options were all that great; especially when you take into consideration that President-elect Martelly is best known from his pop star days, according to MSNBC.com, for donning diapers and dresses, mooning the audience and shouting obscenities at his rivals.
We have no doubt “Sweet Micky” has grown up a bit and will do his best to improve Haiti, but here are a few things we expect from the New Haitian President in his first 100 days en route to moving Haiti into the 21st century:
1. For his official first order of business the President-elect will rip up the the infamous 1804 deal with the devil that Pat Robertson claimed was the root cause of 2010′s devastating 7.0 earthquake.
2. After ripping up the aforementioned deal, the new Haitian leader will prance around in diapers to signify the birth of a brand new nation.
3. President Martelly will announce the “Sweet Micky World Tour featuring special guest Wyclef Jean.” The tour will see Martelly and Jean travel to a different country every day– except for Haiti– to raise awareness on the plight of the Haitian people. All proceeds will go to Wyclef’s Yele Foundation, which will use the money wisely to pay travel expenses and Wyclef’s performance fees.
4. The Haitian National Anthem will be changed from “La Dessalinienne” to Martelly’s hit single “I Don’t Care.”
5. From a tour stop on the Isle of Trinidad, the President will announce his “Moon Cholera” initiative, whereby Haitians stricken with Cholera can receive free treatment just for displaying their asses in a mocking manner at their local clinic.
6. The country will unveil it’s new slogan to help boost tourism: “Haiti: A Sobering Day Trip from the Dominican Republic.”
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