A Press Release from Tom Cruise

by Max Burbank

From The Desk of Tom Cruise,
Enterprises, for immediate release

Tom Cruise Announces intentions to
love, bone Katie Holmes forever

Actor/producer/prominent heterosexual Tom Cruise (Mission Impossible) hereby confirms that he is doing it with actress Katie Holmes (Dorson’s Creek, Batman Begins) and wants the whole world to know it. Rumors this affair is merely a publicity stunt for both actors have, we are certain, been put to rest by their recent joint appearance on Oprah (The Color Purple, Oprah). Cruise (War of the Worlds) publicly revealed he was “over the moon” and “batty” about his new love, Starlet Katie Holmes (Dilson’s Cork, BATMAN BEGINS).

Evidently some sources feel megastar Cruise (who received critical acclaim from that movie with Jamie Fox [Ray]) Would lie to Oprah (‘O’ Magazine). This is, of course, impossible. Cruise (Mission Impossible II) is publicly a Scientologist - like fellow Scientologist John Travolta (Saturday Night Fever), lying is so physically painful for him it could cause him to die.

It should also be noted that Oprah Winfrey (People Magazine’s 50 People With More Money Than You Can Even Imagine’), while very rich and powerful, is also black, and so streetwise enough to smell mendacity when she sees it. If this amazing, faith-restoring, plausibly un-insane love story was a publicity stunt, how could Tom (Taps, still playing regularly on HBO 2) have spontaneously jumped on and off Oprah’s couch (The Asses I’ve held; a Memoir) a lot of times in a row, like a lovestruck forty-one year old puppy?

Tom (Eyes Wide Shut, great ass shots) wants to remind people that he’s very wealthy and famous, so there’s nothing even slightly unusual about his putting it to a young lady less than half his age, and that Katie (some lame ass TV thing, BATMAN BEGINS) is very, very pleased to be having frequent, high-quality non-homosexual sex with him.

“It’s totally true!” Gushes Katie (?, Batman Begins, which is going to be HUGE!). “I’ve been fantasizing about having sex with Tom Cruise (Us Magazines 5o People Almost as Rich as Oprah [Oprah,Oprah,Oprah]) since I was, like, eight years old! I’m also co-starring in Batman Begins, which Tom (As-Yet-Unnamed Pixar Voice Character) assures me is going to gross so much money I’ll get major roles for years to come, even if my performance sucks as bad as Kim Basinger’s (Batman, LA Confidential) in the first Batman. With the proper management she went on to win an Oscar in LA Confidential! It’s true he’s about the same age as my Dad, but if your dad was a really powerful Hollywood star, I bet you’d screw him too.”

Cruise (screwing jailbait) wants all his fans to know that not only is this not a publicity stunt, and has actual humping and everything, his love for Katie (highly marketable, very young) is “too cool” and “really really unlike anything” he’s ever “experienced.”

“It’s true, I’ve had regular, very meaningful sex with many of the most beautiful women who were very successful in Hollywood. For the last few years I was with Penelope Cruz (Blow), but that only lasted as long as it did because I thought we were already married, on account of our last names - which it turns out aren’t even spelled the same. With Nicole Kidman (Batman Forever, seriously) I truly believed we were in love on account of I think we had a kid together. And then before her that other time I was married to Mimi Rogers (anyone?) I think, I was so young I didn’t know what love was or who was going to be a big star, so I bet that one didn’t even count.”

“Now this new girl I’m sexually active with… it’s just so… different, you know? I mean when I was doing ‘Old Time Rock n” Roll’ in my Jockeys, she was crapping her pull-ups! That is so romantic! Plus, she’s in Batman Begins, which I have a serious feeling about, so she’s going to be a huge star and I’m just getting in line first! That’s not crazy, that’s visionary! And romantic!”

Tom (So glad he didn’t do Battlefield Earth like good friend/fellow scientologist John Travolta [‘Battlefield Earth’) also wants everyone to know he would never have publicly criticized Brooke Shields‘ (Pretty Baby a Loooooong time ago) addiction to anti-depressants if her career was going anywhere. Also, he signed Lindsay Lohan (Various Internet Sites) for Mission Impossible before he found out she had recently lost so much weight she looks like a Dachau survivor in a bikini.

“If she gets a little less anorexic, though, I’d totally consider nailing her!” Tom (not insane) quipped just yesterday. “I mean, come on, she’s younger than Katie (BATMAN FUCKING BEGINS!!), right? I am SO not crazy!”