A Very Tiger Press Conference
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Tiger Woods is sorry. He crashed his car and cheated on his wife (not in that order) and like so many esteemed golfers, athletes, and role models before him; he has taken it upon himself to clear this entire mess with the media. Speaking in front of a gaggle of close friends, family and approved reporters;Tiger made his first Glade Air Freshener (the new official sponsor of clearing the air) appearance in the months since the now infamous Thanksgiving wreck that blew open a Pandora’s box of illicit golfer-whore relations.
Never once delving into the knee-depths of female lady-parts and to whom they belonged, which he insisted would remain husband-wife fodder for however many weeks they have left together, the world’s greatest golfer instead focused on contrition over details. He let loose a flurry of apologizes letting heaps of children and parents who had put him up on their role model mantle know that he had wronged them just as any other famous person who suddenly realized they were the richest, most-able-to-get-tail celebrity on the planet, would. He let it be known that talent and endless sexual conquests can be mutually exclusive and in his case should have been.
To the sport of golf, he conceded exacting a toll of irreparable harm that not even after years of having an alcoholic mess like John Daly on the tour could have ever been imagined, with simple acts of testing his sexual stamina. For he had already proven the mettle of his wood on the fairways and greens, it was all too selfish and cocky of him to prove that he could make use of his skills in the arena of the bedroom. He should have known better given that he was raised a Buddhist and what is a Buddhist but someone who probably doesn’t want to have sex with a ton of women when they get super rich and famous?
Most importantly of all, Tiger made a salient point to all those who had lent their ears on this day that will be marked as a new national holiday known as Apology Day, that despite conflicting rumors stirred up in the imaginations of media outlets and general fans of speculation, his wife had never once laid her hands or his clubs on the embattled star of various awesome golf video games manufactured by EA Sports (It’s In The Game).
In spite of all of the bad press thrown in his general direction over the past few weeks, Tiger further critiqued the media (but not specifically the Jew-run media as Mel Gibson is often wont to do), putting them on blast for not respecting the fact that his family matters are not excuses for the paparazzi to endanger those he so heinously cheated on with their snappy cameras and disclosure of private facts.
Alas, Tiger ended the historic press conference by hoping that all of those who had been adversely affected by his frequent sexing and bad driving, one day find room in their heart to believe in him again as he once again becomes centered on the most important things, his marriage and his children. Boring.
R.I.P Tiger in the bedroom. Long live Tiger on the golf course!
P.S. Your divorced parents are having a press conference in 20 minutes to let you know it’s not your fault. Your dad cheated.
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