By Jeff Holbrook and Blake Pickens

Dr. J. Holbrook here with the final edition of the AAFD Natural Disasters series. This week I am focusing on the hottest of Mother Nature’s disastrous children: Volcanoes. A volcano is a rupture of the earth’s surface which allows hot magma, gases, and ash to erupt onto the crust. These monstrous mountains are formed where the earth’s tectonic plates converge and diverge. I have asked Volcano Master B. Pickens to weigh in on the hot subject.

Holbrook: Welcome back to the hot seat, Master Pickens. Have you ever been at the scene of a volcanic eruption?

Pickens: What a clever welcoming, I appreciate your creativity as you know I am a connoisseur of all things ingenious.  But back to your question, of course, what a silly thing to ask me.  What kind of Volcanologist Master would I be if I had never truly experienced what we in the field call an “eruptication?” They are truly something to be revered. There’s absolutely nothing more beautiful than a small Malaysian village being swallowed up in the red death that comes spewing from the mouth of the “volcano”.

Holbrook: After witnessing the devastation firsthand, would you say that you are surprised that more people did not suffer agonizing deaths?

Pickens: Well, to be honest, I was not surprised.  I don’t think I have been surprised since I was twelve years old, and my uncle tried to molest me for a birthday present.  However, it is unfortunate that more are not killed during these natural disasters.  In my masterful, professional opinion, if more people were to suffer agonizing deaths during an eruptication then volcanoes would have a much tougher reputation.  As it stands, most other natural disasters mock volcanoes for their weak-ass death tolls.

Holbrook: Agreed. Why is it, in your professional opinion, that these “pissed off mountains” only form in the most beautiful and exciting places on the planet?

Pickens: If I learned one thing in my short stint in the real estate industry life’s all about the three L’s: Location, Location, Location.  Volcanoes are simply looking for the place that best suits their needs, and it happens to be where they can cause the most destruction.

Holbrook: Tommy Lee Jones learned that the hard way. What is the worst way to meet your end during a volcanic eruption?

Pickens: With a dick in your mouth. Sex and volcanoes surprisingly do not match well.

Holbrook: I wouldn’t imagine. Would you recommend the study of Volcanology to others? If so, who inspired you to dig deeper into the mystery of our planet’s anger problems?

Pickens: I would only recommend it to those who can truly cope with a career that forces you to steal from the poor and severely beat the homeless.  I know that this may sound terrible to those who have not truly felt the satisfaction of stealing the food from the hands of a starving African child, but hopefully someday they will know the fulfillment of a true Volcanologist pioneer.  I’m so glad that you asked me who my inspiration was.  As you know, I have studied many a different phenomena, but this one is truly a passion of mine, and I owe my interest to a very special man, Barbara Streisand.

Holbrook: Streisand and volcanoes? That makes more sense than it should. Thanks for your input today, my friend. I’m sure that the world appreciates you saving it with your wisdom once again.