Awful Secrets of Cereal Mascots

Barney Rubble and Fred Flintstone are best friends. Barney wants Fred’s ‘Pebbles’, and will do anything to get it. ‘Pebbles’ is Fred’s daughter’s name. Surely this is no coincidence. Otherwise, why wouldn’t Fred share? Couldn’t Barney get his own box? Nor should we believe Post Cereal Spokesperson Candy O’fring when she states “The cereal is called ‘Pebbles’ because it resembles bits of gravel.” Any child over the age of two has already learned not to eat gravel. No, Barney is compelled to posses Fred’s ‘Pebbles’. Only this can explain Fred’s towering rage at the enormity of his friend’s transgression.

Fruity Pebbles, which has gone in and out of production regularly over the years, was originally Barney’s cereal in the same way that Cocoa Pebbles was Fred’s. I think we can all agree that the logical name for the cereal, Fruity Bam-bam, would have been simply too blatant, even for Post’s rampantly pro-homosexual agenda. The cereal failed and was later re-introduced as another cereal belonging to Fred which Barney was forced to steal. While subtler in its approach than the original campaign, Fruity Pebbles still sells very poorly and is frequently unavailable. This probably explains Post’s current test marketing of “Cocoa Pebbles with Wild Berry Amber Alerts.”

Are you friends with a tiger? Didn’t think so. YOU SUCK.

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