Awful Secrets of Cereal Mascots

If all leprechauns were like Lucky, every kid in America would have more bling than whatever gangsta thug ‘musician’ is popular with the pre-acne crowd these days. The only explanation for Lucky managing to get caught in every single commercial is, obviously, alcoholism. While in recent times anti-Irish feeling has gone underground, the message of these commercials reads loud and clear:”No Irish Need Apply”. This message is also supported by the cereal’s signature taste: wet cardboard and brightly colored nuggets of petrified cat shit.

Believe it or not, back before the war on terror, all school children were told that America was a “melting pot”- a place where all races and creeds could live side by side. The Money-wise Jew, the Higher Functioning-Challenged Pole, even the Fertile Woman could find a place in our culture. By extension, we might assume that one day even Gypsies and fags could be tolerated in America, land of opportunity. While this paradigm has been rightly driven underground, it’s subtle influence can still be felt in the Monster Cereals.

Count Chocula: Eastern European, possibly a filthy Serb, Negro and Gay. A One Monster Undead Rainbow Coalition.

Frankenberry: A British (gay) pederast (gay).

Boo-Berry: A German, gay, homo pederast who sounds just like Peter Lore who first achieved fame in the movie “M” which is about a gay, German Pederast.

The rarely Seen Fruit Brute: Hello? Fruit Brute?

I take it back. The Monster Cereals are entirely about being gay, like almost every other cereal icon. Something’s not just for breakfast anymore. You know what I’m saying.