Champs’ Chats with Jon, Kate, and the Eight

Alexis: Mommy, Aaden coughed Juicy Juice on me.

Kate: Aaden! That is disgusting. Boy’s are so gross. I never have this problem with any of the girls. Jon, what are you going to do about this? He is your son!

Jon: (Faintly through another toss of the pill bottle.) Aaden, if you’re going to cough Juicy Juice, cough towards daddy.

Champs: So, I have to ask about your trademark hair.

Kate: Oh, the Faux-Mom? Yeah, I told my stylist that wanted something that said that I was a Mom in the front and that I could still kick ass in the back. I am actually signing on as a spokeswoman for SuperCuts’ upcoming summer campaign.

Champs: Wow, I had no idea. You are quite the entrepreneur.

Kate: I keep telling Jon that. (She looks to her husband, who is apparently napping) Jon? Jon! (Jon seems almost lifeless) This is just like him.

Champs: So do you have any other upcoming projects?

Kate: Actually, right now, I am working on a book called Jon and Kate Plus Nine (Minus One). It is a cookbook that tells a story. Many people don’t know that I actually had septuplets not sextuplets. We didn’t even realize that there was going to be seven kids in the birth, apparently one got lost in the mix during the sonograms.

Champs: Really, what happened to the seventh child?

Kate: So, just after my seventy-two hour labor, my doctor came into the recovery ward to give me the news of the extra baby. I was devastated. I mean how is that supposed to rhyme with Kate. John and Kate Plus Nine? Yuck! Good luck getting television syndication with that! Now you have to understand that I gave birth just after I started reading into how hamsters deal with large numbers of kids. So I was forced to pick the runt of the litter and eat him. So in this upcoming book I give suggestions, several recipes, like Infant L’Orange, Beer Battered Baby Sticks and General Gerber’s Fried Kid, and I answer frequently asked questions about how to cook and eat the child that is keeping you from a major cable network deal.

Champs: Nothing short of amazing. Do you ever rest?

Kate: Never. Being a good mom means dedication twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. (Winks coyly at the camera)

As we are wrapping up our interview, Kate gets a call from a man she says is her agent. I am amazed that this woman is a mother of eight when she shows off her knowledge of Hollywood lingo by telling the man on the other line “No, I’m going to make you come until your head explodes.” What a pro! I would have told Jon that he was a lucky man, but the Lazy Larry was still fast asleep, carelessly drooling foam onto the couch. In a hurry to get to her meeting and without the support of her other half, she asks me to watch over the kids for a few hours. Overjoyed at the opportunity, I happily oblige my services. Kate takes off, muttering more LA jargon into the phone. I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve heard stars seal deals with simulated orgasms over the phone. After she speeds off, I get to fulfill a longtime dream, picking up a People magazine off a coffee table, undoing my shirt and gesturing for the Gosselin brood to crawl over each other for a suckle from my teet. Who says moms get to have all the fun?