Dealing With Slow Walkers

by Colt Brechtel

Slow walkers move in packs and are devastating obstacles for city folk with things to do and places to go. They come in many forms: old people, fat people, drunk people, tourists, small dog walkers, and couples so in love they are oblivious to their surroundings. They have given me problems my entire life, mostly because walking around as a loser with no friends has made me impatient. Once, I took a two block detour because I knew it would be easier than getting around two old women with canes. Even when I’m not pressed for time, I still feel as if I have to get to the destination as early as possible. It is a curse that has forced me into more awkward situations than I’d like to admit.

Deciding whether or not to pass sidewalk snails is difficult. I am always a bit fearful that someone I pass will take offense, beat me up, or worst of all, make fun of me for being in such a hurry. If its a group of scary, thug-looking people, I usually slow down and wait for our paths to diverge. This way I can remain out of the way and avoid any chance of a violent confrontation. If its a jumpy, nervous single lady, I usually make a quick move around and trudge onward. Lurking behind a girl like Gollum increases the risk of getting undeservedly maced. Of course, the most embarrassing scenario is when I pass someone only to find that the person was only temporarily slowed and is now at my heels trying to get by. If I do not gear up into power walk mode, he will make me look like a complete ass.

Over the years, I have discovered a number of specific maneuvers that can be used when faced with a troublesome slow walker situation. Some have worked out with great success while others have been catastrophic failures. The key is to fully commit to the plan you choose and never look back. Here are a few options:

No Pass

Effective Idea 1: The Gradual Slowdown

Once you notice that you are closing in on a group, begin slowing down your pace to keep a sizeable distance. Take smaller steps, drag your feet, or let your leg your leg stay suspended in the air twice as long.

Not So Effective Idea 1: The Sudden Slowdown

Maintain a hurried pace until you absolutely cannot continue walking without causing a collision. Take one step to slow yourself down and continue on with inches separating you and the person in front of you.

Effective Idea 2: Read

Observe the buildings you pass and find something you can stop and read. This can be as complex as a restaurant menu or as simple as a list of store hours. Pretend to struggle interpreting the information, then have a breakthrough once the person ahead is a good distance away.

Not So Effective Idea 2: Write

Pull out a pen and pad. Bring your stride to an abrupt halt and write a few words down. Continue walking behind the slow group and if you catch up, repeat the process. Attempt to look like you are conducting scientific research on the people you are trailing if at all possible.

Effective Idea 3: The Phone Check

Take your phone out of your pocket as if a text message just came in. Pretend like it is long and important, requiring you to come to a stop in order to absorb the information you have just received. Recover and continue on once you have allowed for some separation. This also works with music players.

Not So Effective Idea 3: The Prostate Check

Pretend that you are a trained medical professional and you have just realized that you are overdue for a prostate check. Treat the issue with an exaggerated sense of urgency. Stop walking, remove your pants, and conduct the procedure yourself. After you have allowed for some separation, conclude that the prostate is normal. Take a second to recover and continue.