Dealing With Slow Walkers

Pass

Effective Idea 1: The Polite Request

As you approach someone in the way, politely say, “Excuse me.” The person will understand they are blocking your way and will move so you can go by. This also works with the phrase, “Pardon me.”

Not So Effective Idea 1: The Impolite Request

As you approach someone in the way, get really angry and yell, “Move!” The person will feel disrespected and make sure you realize how much of a dick you are. This also works with phrases like, “Let’s go,” and “Get out of my way.” Adding an obscenity or two may also help.

Effective Idea 2: Walk Into The Empty Street

If the sidewalk is crowded, quickly go around into the street to get ahead of the blockage. Be sure to watch your step off of the curb and make sure there are no approaching motor vehicles

Not So Effective Idea 2: Walk Into The Busy Street

If the sidewalk is crowded, go around into the street to get ahead of the blockage. Trip over the curb, fall into an oncoming motor vehicle, and completely regret your decision.

Effective Idea 3: The Jog

Pretend that you are really late for an appointment and start jogging. When you jog around, the confrontation will be quick and there will be no time for anyone to get mad. Continue running until you have turned a corner or are out of sight. Stop and continue on at a regular pace. It helps if you are wearing gym clothes.

Not So Effective Idea 3: The Swim Move

Draw inspiration from NFL great Reggie White and break through the line of people. Force your arm into a gap and toss the person onto the ground behind you. Continue barreling onward. If a quarterback appears behind the group, sack him.

These little tricks are fine and good, but the nationwide crisis can only be solved one way.

Lanes!

I am calling for an initiative to paint dashes down the middle of high traffic sidewalks in order to create two separate lanes. Once the lines are in place, we would follow the rules of the freeway and airport moving walkways: slow walkers to the right and fast walkers to the left. This may be opposite in Britain, but that is of little concern to me. On certain sidewalks that are wide enough, we could push for an HOV (diamond) lane for anyone pushing strollers or traveling via piggy back ride. It wouldn’t really increase efficiency or reduce any emissions, but it would be a crazy lane. This is my dream. This is my vision of a truly civilized society. This is the way to optimize metropolitan travel. Buying a car could also work.