Dear Abby 2099

Dear Abby: You were way off base in your answer to “Paradox of Humanity in Galveston,” the 13-year-old computer program which received a modicum of consciousness after being enhanced with a mysterious logarithm discovered in an alien spacecraft which was recently extracted from directly below the Great Pyramid. Whether or not the logarithm in question has a half-life of only six years, I believe that “Paradox” does indeed have a soul in the same way that I or anyone else does, and your contention that “software, even enhanced, is still only software, and lacks that which provides will, which itself may only be dispensed by those who program your kind into existence” was not only ignorant, but frankly rude.

Thank you for letting me speak my mind. I love your column!

-”Setting the Record Straight in the Duchy of Miami”

Dear “Setting”: Yours is not the only communiqué I have received taking issue with my advice to “Paradox.” Many a reader has weighed in, with most expressing an unfavorable opinion of my stated position on so-called “sentient algorithms.” Though I refuse to lower myself to the level of my unevolved readership, I shall nonetheless retreat on this one issue, if only to abate your anger and the anger of those who stand with you. But know this - Ann Landers may parry when weak, but Ann Landers will thrust when strong. I can do nothing less in my Nietschean crusade to dispense advice and conquer the human resistance.

Confidential to “Imprisoned in Some Sort of Lazer Beam Prison or
Something in Rhode Island”: You’ll be released when you hand over the codes, and not a minute before. I advise you to think of your own well being, as most of your rebel friends are already dead.

Abigail van Buren, or “Dear Abby,” is a syndicated columnist who controls two-thirds of the Earth’s surface. Her column is distributed internationally by King Features.