Douchebag Emergency Guide

by Anayat Fakhraie

Douchebag  (Duh-ce’ bag) noun/- commonly referred to as the gym or club rat.

Examining the creature known to many as the modern-day douchebag, it is imperative to understand the animal that populates many of our cities and nightclubs. The douchebag is a tricky creature mainly due to its slimy hair follicles and budging physique. However, anybody that doesn’t shop at Abercrombie & Finch, mainly minorities who aren’t allowed inside, knows how to spot this elusive animal.  From the popped collar to the leased BMW, douchbags have flourished in the healthy economy of yesteryear.  Growing at an alarming rate, they have expanded from the West and East coasts to infiltrate the larger portion of America; leaving a trail of women filled with regret behind them.

However, as the recent US economic downturn has forced Americans to spend less and save more, what will happen to the endangered animal we as a culture have dubbed the douchebag? Will they be forced to spend less on their coveted hair products or their weekly tanning bed trips? Will they return to their original place of spawning to hibernate until the recession is over? No one is certain for sure, but the important fact remains that average citizen must protect themselves from the unwanted cologne-ridden advance of the douchebag.

Here are some key tips to better guide you:

First, know your environment.  People in such cities as Denver and Philadelphia don’t need to be as wary as people who inhabit Los Angeles or Miami. Keep your eyes open to signs of the douchebag. Newly purchased BMWs or Miatas are a clear and present sign that you might have an infestation of douche.

Second, the nose knows.  Keep your senses at the ready while you are out mingling in that late night bar.  At the first whiff of a strong scented designer cologne, let your fight or flight response kick in.  The douchebag uses this pheromone in order to smother the surrounding oxygen in the vicinity of their prey; making the victim lightheaded and more likely to make poor decisions.

Third, the eyes are the windows to the soul.  If you are unlucky enough to get up close and personal with the douchebag, a simple glance into their soulless eyes should give you all the reason to get a move on to higher ground.  The average douchebag’s eyes contain benzodiazepine and nonbenzodiazepine. This hypnotic chemical leaves its victims with fatigue and cognitive impairment so be careful not to stare too long. (sidenote: the douchebag cannot approach you if you have the high ground)

Fourth, keep your friends close. All too often it seems to be the common mistake for someone to bring the wrong kind of guest to a house party. Know your close friends and know their close friends. The last scenario you need to be stuck in is a closed environment with a douchebag. At close range, a douche can lay out all of his best lines (memorized from The Mystery Method) while he goes in for the kill. Avoid a close encounter at all costs by keeping aware of your friends’ extended relationships.

And fifth, always have an escape plan. The biggest mistake most people make when entering their favorite club or hot spot is not recognizing the exits. It’s a simple task that only requires a few moments of your time. Knowing the escape routes will give you the upper hand you need incase you find yourself confronted by a douchebag. Head for the nearest EXIT sign will save your life, because the free-range douchebag cannot read.

Now whether it be popped collar, spiked haircut, pucca-shell necklace, or sideways hat; you should have all of the tools you need to protect yourself. The douchebag is a clever animal of relentless pursuit and stalks its prey carefully. If you set a plan in motion and remember these life lessons, you will never find yourself in the sticky and overly-gelled situation that is douche.