Energy is in Demand: How to Cash in on the Energy Craze

by Colt Brechtel

Nobody wants to drag ass in the fast-paced world of today.  That’s why the market has been flooded with energy products to keep people awake, anxious, and jittery throughout all hours of the day.  It started off with drinks like Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar which were promoted as fuel for extreme events.  Since then, it has evolved into energy shots, energy candy, energy gum, and energy mints.  And politicians say we are in an energy crisis.

For many of these products, the energy effect is psychosomatic.  You consume the product and believe that your go-forces have been renewed.  In reality, these products have less caffeine than a cup of coffee, but they taste bad and make you urinate blood*, so something special must be going on.

*This actually happened to a friend of mine who binged on a certain sugar-free energy drink whose mascot is commonly dodged by matadors and is a color associated with communists.  He went to town on these drinks during a week in Vegas, started noticing blood in his urine, and went to a doctor.  He was told to stop drinking the beverage and the bleeding stopped shortly after.

What is truly special about energy culture is the outstanding business model that has emerged as a result.  If you can add energy into an everyday consumable product, people will buy it in droves.  Even more amazing is that it doesn’t have to be a quality version of the product.  Buyers will assume that the more awful the product is, the more energy has been infused within it.

Here’s a start for entrepreneurs looking to capitalize on the nation’s love for all things energy:

1. Energy Bread: Start your day with extreme toast.  Give your turkey sandwich a boost.  The only bread made with special taurine yeast.

2. Energy Inhaler: Knock out your asthma and give your lungs a punch of power.  Now with vaporized guarana.

3. Energy Deodorant: Rub the power in where you need it the most.  The odor stops, but you keep going.

4. Energy Cheese: Give your wine and cheese party a little kick.  Warning: may cause heart attacks in mice.

5. Energy Sunscreen: Turn the sun’s energy into your energy without getting burned in the process.  Now with taurine aloe.

6. Energy Eye Drops: Soothe your dry red eyes, then watch as they become red again from your corneas getting blasted with energy.

7. Energy Ice: You don’t melt under pressure, neither should your ice.  Store in the absolute coldest part of the freezer.

8. Energy Milk: Rev up your lactose intake with chunks of guarana and taurine.

9. Energy Envelopes: The mailroom just got a little more extreme.  Get a little pluck every time you lick the guarana sprinkled sealing glue.

10. Energy Pillow: After a long day of energized activity, it’s nice to rest your head on a pillow that will keep you up all night with bursts of energy.  With guarana, taurine, and Mexican Fen-Phen sewn into the fabric.

The bottom line is that the word “energy” looks great on the front of a container.  It puts a gleam of excitement in the eyes of slightly gullible people who refuse to let their body tell them when to be tired.  Most people wouldn’t buy a product made with liquefied pieces of an aardvark, but put a label that says “energy” on it and they’ll give it a try.   Now if you excuse me, I’m off to see my energy chiropractor, Dr. Sheldon Guaranaburg.

Images by Kris Hanson