Enter The Pitmaster
National Lampoon is the leading provider of sophomoric humor, follow us at @nationallampoon
By John Markus
It’s common knowledge that the combination of men and meat is a life-affirming one, with long prehistoric roots. When a waiter sets a charred two-boned rib eye down in front of us, still sizzling and spitting off fat, we get Neanderthal flashbacks. I mean, deep, vaguely flickering ones, but they’re there: recollections of the time we, with a gang of naked, furry other males, brought down that snarling saber tooth with our clunky weapons. Sure, it took hours to kill the beast since we were stupid then and our spears broke a lot and we hunted timidly because we were all naked and forced to observe that most of the other guys in the pack were a lot bigger than us. Still, we puffed up and did the job.
But what about women and meat? No, no, dude, you’re wrong. About everything. I’m referring to the luminous Lee Ann Whippen of TLC’s BBQ PITMASTERS and meat.
You gotta watch her this Thursday night. If you don’t know who she is, Lee Ann’s a BBQ legacy, daughter of a founding father of competition ‘Q. She runs two successful BBQ restaurants in Virginia, AND, she’s one of the leading women of this totally male dominated sport. The woman is both Danica Patrick AND Annie Oakley rolled into one. She’s gorgeous, with impossibly blonde hair (is it natural? Who gives a crap?) She LOVES kickin’ mens’ collective asses at these contests, and does it all while looking like a vision, even blotted in pork fat. Especially blotted in pork fat. It would be HER spear that brought down the saber tooth, and we’d all start wearing loincloths just so she’d hang with us, and civilization could begin. Hell, it may have been a Neanderthal chick like her who motivated the wheel.
Tragically, for the first five episodes of our show, she has a hunky boyfriend cooking with her. We don’t like him. We want her to come to her senses and understand that her natural state in life is to be available to the rest of us. We pray for the boyfriend to screw up. And Yes! He gets dumped prior to this upcoming contest, in an eternal, don’t let the door hit you in the ass dumping.
So, she’s coming to the Dover contest a single woman. As I’m driving to Delaware, through this terrible weather, which would remain ungodly and punishing the whole contest (so brutal, you gotta see it), I get stuck in traffic, I start to worry about Lee Ann. That damn boyfriend, or as we called him, “Hunky-Dumpy”, always helped her with unloading hundreds and hundreds of pounds of equipment from her cargo truck (yes, Lee Ann drives and OWNS a CARGO TRUCK!). I want to get to Dover and help. A rescue fantasy with Lee Ann, what a fool I am!) But even more torturous, I realize I’m not allowed to help anybody who’s on the show, because I’m a Producer. It’s plain forbidden. (Just asked that Producer they canned on “The Bachelor”.) I drive through the pouring rain, suppressing my rescue urges. Arrive on site at one in the morning, see an empty cargo truck, and there she is. Ms. Whippen. Sitting calmly having hot tea in her perfectly erected tent, surrounded by 1200 pounds of ceramic cookers. Looking unruffled, every blonde curl perfectly out of place, greeting me with a big old smile. And with that smile, you can tell that all she’s thinking about is bringing down that nasty saber tooth, and maybe, a few of those men in the pack for good measure.
BBQ PITMASTERS -Thursday 10pm / 9 c on TLC
The competition heats up in the northeast, even as temperatures fall at the Diamond State BBQ Championship in Dover, Delaware. Harry’s former teammate, Gary, competes on his own and Tuffy does Myron a favor, which could end up hurting his own chances.
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