Exclusive: Leaked Tonight Show Script!

To most of us, it may seem like Jay Leno is old hat at this late night hosting business, but several months removed from being propped up in his chair as host of “The Tonight Show” have probably left him a bit rusty in regards to his longtime gig.  Leno will most likely be leaning on a script tonight in his return to the role that made him a household name. Luckily, we here at National Lampoon had the good fortune to stumble upon a copy of the document that Jay will be using as a tutorial on how to be likable again at 11:35. Here’s an exclusive peek:

11:35- Welcome crowd. Bob head. Wiggle hair. (2x).  Remind them that this is “The Tonight Show” and not “The Jay Leno Show.” Assure all your friends in the Midwest you are back where you belong… like a Toyota sent back to the dealer…Pretty soon you’ll be good as new.

11:35-11:42 Opening monologue.  After each joke give Kevin ample time to feign hilarity. Also add in a steady diet of hair wiggling and head bobbing, maybe a few chin strokes.

11:45 Announce Kevin is leaving the show. New Bandleader will be Branford Marsalis. Turn towards Kevin with hands behind back.

11:45-11:47 Kevin will talk about what a great run it’s been but his tone will change suddenly as he goes on angry rant about how Branford wanted his old 11:35 time slot back for a half-hour every night.  Explains that he stepped down from bandleading after bitter battle with NBC.  He didn’t want to lead the band from 12:05-12:35.  Doc Severinsen and Max Weinberg before him led the band from 11:35-12:35 and that’s how it had to be if he was going to continue.

11:47-11:50: “In all seriousness” make half-hearted yet meaningful statement about really appreciating the work Conan did as the host as “The Tonight Show.”  Wish him luck with whatever he chooses to do. Bob head.  Wiggle hair.

11:50 Announce that in 7 months you’ll be taking over Conan’s new Twitter account.  Turn to Kevin and let him magnify the joke by repeating how funny it was.

11:50-11:54 Commercial break: Daydream about driving 1927 Model X Duesenberg along the PCH.

11:54-11:59 Remind target audience how stupid they are with Jaywalking segment.

12:00-12:05 First part of Pandering to Jamie Foxx (Note:Let Jamie talk about his recent role in the movie Valentine’s Day.  (Stroke chin and feign interest.) Compare his excellent performance to his Oscar Winning performance in Ray. Ask Jamie what he did on Valentine’s Day? After nearly 20 years of bland questions, no need to stop now.)

12:05-12:08 Commercial Break: Daydream about driving 1955 Packard Caribbean down the PCH while getting road head from Mavis. Mavis will be bobbing her head while you wiggle your hair and keep your eyes on the road.  Jamie Foxx may or may not be in the back seat watching.

12:07-12:12 2nd half of Jamie Foxx pandering. Ask Jamie Foxx about his daughter. Relate to his stories about his daughter as though you had a kid or two.  Remember kids are like cars who talk.  Like K.I.T.T. from “Knight Rider.”

12:12-12:15 Commercial Break: Daydream of riding 1946 Harley-Davidson WR down PC with Kevin Eubanks holding on tight.

12:15-12:25 Announce groundbreaking new segment 12 at 12 with tonight’s guest Olympic Gold-medalist Lindsey Vonn. Lob 12 softball questions:
1. Do you like Snow?
2.How old were you when you learned to Ski?
3. Do you like Skiing?
4. What was it like to win an Olympic Gold Medal?
5. Can we see your gold medal?
6. Did you enjoy your time in Vancouver?
7. What is it like being famous?
8. What are you going to do now that the Olympics is over?
9. What was it like to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue?
10. People know you has someone who likes the snow, but do you like the beach?
11. When is the next time you will ski?
12. Are you going to shoot for gold in 2014?

12:25- Thank Lindsey Vonn.  Announce that Brad Paisley is coming up next after commercial break.

12:25-12:28- Commercial Break: Daydream about spending the weekend polishing your muscle cars and updating your car website.

12:28 Introduce Brad Paisley as your musical guest.

12:28-12:33 Brad Paisley performs new single (daydreaming optional).

12:33- Shake Brad Paisley’s hand while bobbing your head and saying how great the performance was.

12:33-12:34 Commercial Break: Daydream about riding sidesaddle as Brad Paisley drives your Yamaha 2009 Star VMAX.

12:34-12:35 Thank your guests and say goodnight.

12:35 –1:05 Announce that the show is now 30 minutes longer and Jimmy Fallon has been bumped to a 30- minute show. Start into one long half-hour segment about one of your favorite cars.