Fire Sale with Splash Damage!

By Blake Pickens

We live in tough times; the economy is in peril, and starving children refuse to work for food, simply because they’d rather be lazy and beg in the streets. Fellow citizens often ask me, “Blake, what can I do with three dollars?” Until now I haven’t really been able to give them a solid answer other than that they should stop asking me how to spend their money and start making their own decisions. But, with hand grenades in Bujumbura, Burundi costing only three dollars, I finally have a valid answer:

With $3 you could buy three McDoubles…or a hand grenade.

You could buy any Lifetime movie on VHS…or a hand grenade.

You could buy the first minute on a sex hotline…or masturbate to free online porn and buy a hand grenade.

You could buy Rosie O’Donnell’s biography…or a hand grenade.

You could donate to an animal shelter…or fuck the animals and buy a hand grenade.

You could buy an African country…or an African child…or a hand grenade with a free African child.

You could buy a Carlos Mencia ticket…or a tank…just kidding…or a hand grenade.

You could buy deodorant for your stinky ass…or a hand grenade.

You could buy 38.3826 Mexican Pesos…(WHAT A DEAL!!)…or a hand grenade.

You could buy depends for your decrepit grandpa…or let him keep shitting his pants and buy a hand grenade.

You could buy Vanilla Ice’s entire discography…or a hand grenade and blow up Robert Van Winkle.

You could buy any movie starring Macaulay Culkin (aside from the first Home Alone, which is an American treasure)…or a hand grenade.

You could buy the seeds to start your own tomato garden…or a hand grenade.

You could buy your own planet…or a hand grenade shaped planet…or just a hand grenade.

You could buy a fake North Face jacket…or a hand grenade.

You could pay a homeless man to wash your window…or speed past him splashing him with mud on your way to buy a hand grenade.

You could “make it rain” for less than a second…or buy a hand grenade, and throw it in the rain.

You could buy a car in the late 1800s…or forget wasting your time inventing a time machine and buy a hand grenade.

You could buy an autistic kid…only because their parents don’t even want them…or buy a hand grenade.

I guess what I’m saying, is that with $3 you can finally buy happiness…or a hand grenade. It’ll make you just as happy.