Freelance Writings of Genghis Khan

by John Hallman

Publication: Atlanta Sports Magazine
Piece: “Modern Sporting is an Epic Farce”

Excerpt:

…Modern sport is a joke, and its participants a panic-stricken mass of mincing, weak-armed homosexuals. I openly mock the torpid state your American sport has been reduced to while having loud intercourse with your women and laying waste to your irrigation systems.

At Tsaaz-Bataan, held every spring along the shores of the River Taimen, there was much celebration and fanfare. Never will I forget the roasted flesh of horse we ate, the rich fermented mare’s milk we drank, and the merriment we had as fierce young warriors battled rabid hyenas without aid of weaponry.

I assure you, many a good man was ripped to shreds that day, and lay gasping on the ground as rich blood filled his lungs and the spirit of life drained from his eyes. That, I tell you now, is entertainment of the highest caliber. In addition, there was wrestling, sword fighting, and hawk-dueling, all of which proved fatal to a truly monumental number of participants. Now I’m expected to watch volleyball! I will march my vast army upon…

Publication: Women’s Fitness
Piece: “You are Weak and at a Great Disadvantage”

Excerpt:

…watch so many mewling, stupid American women trundle their hogfat through the aisles of your modern supermarkets, and yet not one of them purchases so much as a single leather flacon of fermented mare’s milk. American woman are fools and must die like fools.

I must tell you, it was the diet of the Mongols that allowed us to conquer the world. Besides the healthful and intoxicating effects of mare’s milk, the queasiness that accompanies even the slightest ingestion does much to alert one’s senses and hone reflexes into catlike readiness.

Even more disturbing is the complete absence in your grocery stores of horse flesh. The tender padding found underneath the hoof is delightful and undoubtedly my favorite portion…