Freelance Writings of Genghis Khan

Publication: Reader’s Digest
Piece: “This Summer, Love Your Garden”

Excerpt:

…and without an army to command my attention, a distinct emptiness nagged at me for many centuries. I tried kayaking, tap dancing, poodle breeding-for several years I presided over a canasta night on Wednesdays with some of my friends from the community center.

All of these pursuits proved to be empty and devoid of fulfillment; soon after I scourged the community center and ground the skulls of the canasta players under my unyielding bootheel. Only silence and ashes remained.

My outlook on life changed forever, however, once I discovered the joys of gardening. It takes a lot of raking, watering, and attention to detail, of course-but there is nothing more satisfying than watching your garden bloom with intoxicatingly fragrant flowers; producing edible treats such as berries or figs; and allowing one the chance to turn the corpses of war into rich, peaty compost. Once while speaking to my grandson Kubilai…

Publication: Travel & Leisure Magazine
Piece: “Why Not Have Real Fun at Disneyworld?”

Excerpt:

…I emitted a girlish shriek of all-consuming naked terror as the teacup we were in swirled faster and faster. The child I shared the compartment with smiled with pleasure and giggled as I begged him to reduce the rate at which we were spinning. He turned a deaf ear to my supplications, and earned an enemy. He would have made a brutally competent and vicious general. I would enjoy fashioning a hat from his entrails.

I fared just as poorly on the other rides. On a particularly monstrous voyage which led me deep inside a tomb of some sort, I listened in terror as devilish imps purported that the size of our world was miniscule.

I was compelled to escape and jumped out of the boat. As I swam towards freedom, my legs became entangled in cords, dragging me into the depths of the tepid water. I’d have certainly drowned, had a pair of newlyweds not pulled me into their boat and pumped the stagnant water from my lungs. As I lay gasping in the bottom of the boat, it struck me that the owners of this theme park had erred-this was not, as I had been led to believe, the happiest place on Earth.

Perhaps if animals were set free across the park and visitors were distributed spears, they could proceed to hunt, slaughter, and roast the flesh of the wild beasts. Such excitement would draw enormous crowds, of this I am certain. I would have to remember to take the matter up with the park administrator while flaying the very skin from his body for having the temerity to disappoint the Mighty Khan…

Publication: Travel & Leisure Magazine
Piece: “Why Not Have Real Fun at Disneyworld?”

Excerpt:

…the audacity to criticize Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney about environmental concerns. They are fools and should die like fools!

How could such temerity erupt from mere peons? From them, nothing more is to expected but taking orders, breeding, paying taxes and to die. That is all. Whenever your vassals forget that, one must respond with the utmost severity.

For example, during the conquest of the Khwarezm Empire, I was gravely offended while riding into the town of Ecbatana. I overheard a young boy criticize my horse for having unattractive ears. I was overcome with emotion. I immediately called for the population to be massacred and for the city to be pillaged and burnt to the ground. Two weeks later I returned again and ordered the survivors of the previous massacre massacred. Do you think I had anymore difficulties from Ecbatana? Were they laughing then?

Most definitely not. Now if Mitt Romney acted in a similar way towards that hive of discontent in Boston he would undoubtedly discover…