George Clooney is NOT hot

by Carly Verble

Over the past decade, George Clooney has been crowned “The Sexiest Man Alive” two times. First of all, someone really needs to explain how you can go from sexiest to unsexy to sexiest again, without mentioning a Justin Timberlake lyric. Second, that’s two times too many. As a woman, there are varying characteristics that make a man sexy such as his sense of humor, his smile and of course his big thick biceps. (You thought I was going to say penis didn’t you? Penis is actually in the “deal breaker” category.) For the life of me I just don’t understand why people think George Clooney is sexy or even hot. Maybe it’s because his eyebrows remind me of my dad. Actually, I’m a little creeped out that ‘penis’ and ‘dad’ are even in the same paragraph. But seriously, with all the incredibly good-looking men on the planet, there is no way George is worthy of that title. Now before heaps of women send me death threats I would like to clarify one thing I am NOT saying George is ugly, he’s simply average with nothing incredibly special about him, except maybe what’s in his wallet. That being said, the following men put George Clooney and his alleged sexiness to shame.

Prince Eric
Age: 18!?!
Resume: The Little Mermaid
Blue eyes, pearly whites and jet black hair, so dreamy! He also has a boat (motha fucka) and a palace. Swanky. Eric is also a genuinely nice guy who will go to great lengths for love. I have yet to find a guy that will kill an extremely large half octopus half hideous beast of a woman for me. If only he were three-dimensional.

Max Clooney
Age: 19 (would be 147 in pig years)
Resume: George Clooney’s pet
Pigs are cute and tasty too.

James Dean
Age: 24 (would be 78)
Resume: Rebel Without a Cause, East of Eden
James Dean could make anything look sexy, even wearing a red leather jacket. I’m pretty sure if James were still alive, his good looks would have carried on into his old age. There has been an ongoing debate of James’ sexual orientation. Even if he was playing for the other team it just means he has mass appeal, which doubles his sexiness. Plus he’s dead.

Ryan Lochte
Age: 24
Resume: Olympic Medalist in Swimming
Ryan puts Michael Phelps to shame with his pearly whites and straight aligned teeth (I bet he paid a pretty penny for braces). Sure he doesn’t have the 8 gold medals that Phelps does, but he has a better face and that goes a long way. The one sexy thing about swimmers, they do it in water. I’m willing to suffer a UTI, nothing a strong dose of antibiotics can’t cure.

Brody Jenner
Age: 25
Resume: The Hills, Bromance
The Prince of Malibu, is a much sexier title than “Sexiest Man Alive”. Although his “bromances” are questionable, it’s alright he makes up for that with his looks and a mediocre acting career, but mostly his looks.