Guide to Booty Call Etiquette

by Scott H. Leva

Booty Call: v. to call someone on the phone and arrange a sexual liaison, usually late night, and often when other more favorable options have proven fruitless.

Booty Call: n. The recipient of a booty call. See above.

Below are a few helpful tips to assist you in your quest for the perfect booty call.

* Choose your booty call wisely. Psychos, weirdos, freaks, and people with incurable diseases or body hygiene issues make horrible booty calls. Yes, even personality counts for a booty call. Choose wrongly and you risk turning your “partner of convenience” into a stalker hanging out in your parking lot while you’re on a real date.

* Beer Goggles. The booty call should be relatively attractive but never hot, otherwise you risk forming some kind of sad, pathetic attachment which you’ll eventually regret. You shouldn’t have to doll yourself up for a booty call and neither should he. You should be able to come over with 10 (or more) pounds of extra holiday weight and not give a shit. Don’t get hung up on looks. This is a booty call. It’s a temporary fix.

* Location, location, location. Your booty call should be within a 20-minute drive or you risk losing your…”interest.” Write down directions beforehand. Missing out on a booty call because you knocked on the wrong door at 3am will haunt you forever.

* Avoid meaningful conversation. Do not suddenly develop a charming personality. Avoid any discussion of politics, religion, life goals or your past relationships. Otherwise you risk actually making some kind of connection. If your booty call ignores these rules just nod a lot and hope they eventually get the hint to shut up and get naked.

* No need to impress. Believe it or not your booty call should not be the greatest sex you ever had. Save that for someone you actually give a crap about. Your booty call should not require expending much energy. Usually booty calls occur late at night and you’re both either tired or drunk. Booty call sex should not be a marathon or a “performance.” It should be the last thing you do before you pass out.

* Do not fall in love. Your booty call should know it’s a booty call. No strings, no attachment, nothing but loveless sex once in awhile - and all at a moment’s notice. Falling in love with your booty call is a huge mistake and only leads to disaster and the inevitable lies you must tell your grandkids about how you actually met.