Guide to Booty Call Etiquette

* Save your money. Do not wine and dine your booty call. Do not spend a dime on flowers, chocolates or other gifts. If he/she insists you go out to a dinner/movie beforehand, say something like, “I feel like I’m buying your love and I could never do that to you.” Hopefully, your booty call will get the hint.

* Know when to go. Booty calls do not require sleepovers, cuddle-time, or breakfast. If you choose to sleep over, do it because you’re tired, drunk or because it’s raining/snowing/freezing-ass blizzard outside. In the morning there should be absolutely no awkwardness. Leave his or her apartment. Don’t stick around for the inevitable questions.

* Don’t abuse your booty call privileges. Late night phone calls are perfectly acceptable, but either party has a right to refuse — without guilt. Your booty call should not occur more than once every two weeks. A booty call is a temporary fix. Having it more than that removes any chance (or need) of pursuing an actual relationship.

* Keep your list small. You should have no more than 2 people on your booty call list. More than that indicates a freaky sexual pattern and possibly some kind of gross disease. And again, if you’re banging more than two girls, you’re not out there looking for something better.

* Practice crash dummy. The booty call is also the perfect opportunity to practice tricks and stunts you’d probably never attempt with someone you actually want to impress. Why screw up the “inverted monkey” on the guy/girl of your dreams, when you can practice on someone who won’t laugh when you fall off the bed.

* Adios Amigo. Be willing to end booty calls immediately and without making up excuses or getting feelings hurt. “You recently got a boyfriend? Great to hear, sorry it’s over. Gimme a call when he comes to his senses and sees what a fat, skanky whore you really are.”