Happy Valley Summer Culture Calendar

It’s another “hip-happy-nin summer” in Happy Valley! Don’t miss these big events, sponsored by the Happy Valley Up-Downtowners, the Happy Valley Merchants Association and the Happy Valley Visitors and Convention Bureau.

by Hart Seely and Frank Cammuso

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July 30: VIAGRAPALOOZA

The Woodstock Nation shall rise again. Line-up includes Earth, Wind & Fiber, 1910 Wheatgerm Co., Counting Crowsfeet, the String Mucous Incident, the Dave Clark Two and special guest, Gerry and his Pacemaker. Ask your doctor for a free sample. (Note: Side effects include hearing loss, memory loss and car keys loss. Erections lasting more than the duration of the concert require immediate medical attention.)

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August 6-7: ORANGE ALERT DOWNTOWN DAYS

ashcroft gitmo house of horrors Friday, Wrap-in-Flag Fashion Show. Saturday, Don Rumsfeld Lookalike Contest (Winner gets to tour Middle East!) See Dick Cheney’s armored tie! Visit Count Ashcroft’s haunted “GITMO House of Horrors” (21-over.) Ride in the Election ‘04 Hot Air Balloon. (Village-wide lockdown at sunset. ID and FBI background checks required.)

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August 8: BLUE-GRAY HISTORICAL BATTLE RE-ENACTMENT

grant lee battle re-enactment

Join our 135th annual living-history “Rumble at the Creek” against those “Rebels” of neighboring Pleasant Valley. Our simulated “war” is limited to bare knuckles, crude clubs and 1-inch-diameter rocks. Last year, a few of those dirty bastards brought homemade shanks. This year, it’s payback!

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August 13-15: CICADAFEST ‘04

cicadafest 04 “Crunch Time” begins Friday with the Million-Mantis March, featuring our giant Honey Bun Locust Magnet. Saturday, the Cicada Chili Cook-Off, followed by the Happy Valley Players’ performance of “Stomp!” Nightly dining in the Raid House & Yard Guard Outdoor Fogger Perimeter. Fireworks by Sparky, the world’s largest bug-zapper! Musical guest Jon Secada. (And buy your tickets now for Cicadafest ‘21!)

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