By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

(Miami, FL) We all know South Florida is a vortex for all that is unholy and will likely spell the demise of humankind and the entire galaxy… to put it mildly. Florida’s a haven for newlyweds and nearlydeads. It has endless miles of bad road filled with strip-malls; where each store seemingly runs and smells like the D.M.V. And, if you’re famous like me, Vegas has back-room odds in a Deathpool on you — with prop bets on whether you’ll get shanked in a Meth deal gone South or run over and turned into a greasespot by some random midget octogenarian wantonly driving a Caddy from the late 80’s.

I can understand folks making irrational decisions to dwell in the toe cheese of Mickey Mouse (see e.g., Florida Recount 2000), however, animals have no choice in the matter.

Horse murders are on the rise and apparently there’s a market for horsey meat in these depressed jazzy economic times:

She was a bay — a dark brown thoroughbred. She had a shiny coat and new horseshoes, all signs that someone took good care of her.

But Saturday night, the 3- or 4-year-old mare was found cut in pieces along a rural roadside in Southwest Miami-Dade, a spokesman for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty for Animals said.

The mare was the latest horse slaughtered, possibly for her meat, in a rash of such killings this year in Miami-Dade and Broward counties. …

The number of horses killed since January now stands at 21, Couto said. …

In Florida, it is illegal to sell horse meat without proper labeling. A pound of the flesh can sell for up to $40 on the black market. A 1,400-pound horse may yield about 400 pounds of meat, Couto said.

“South Florida is probably one of the only places in the United States that a dead horse is much more valuable than a live horse,” he said.

That’s reassuring! A dead horse in Florida get’s more money on the pony market than one with a pulse. You see, in the recessed gene pool of The Sunshine State, it’s not the carnage and bags of bay organs done at the hands of some deranged lunatic roaming the streets of Miami that governs the shock value here, it’s the economic analysis on the worth of a dead horse found in the crux of this story. This makes sense – in Bizarro Florida.

What the Hell? Forty dollars a pound for horse meats? What a rip off. You’re telling me horse bits are more expensive than lobster? I didn’t even know there was a “black market” for horse meats. Who eats horse meats? Where are these people?

Florida.

Look, I’ll partake in the eating of dog at my local Chinese joint anytime (without knowledge of said dog in food). But, I draw the line in the sand of craziness with dead horses and their trending patterns on the horse-eating stock market.