How to Get Attention

By Harmon Leon

Do you find it hard to get attention? Do you blend into the background like a large piece of human wallpaper?! When people talk to you, do find that their focus diverts elsewhere? Do you?!! What… hold on a minute… wow, I actually forgot what and with whom I was speaking with.

I guess you didn’t get my…….ATTENTION!

STEP ONE: Screaming

A good place to start in the pursuit of getting attention, is by using something you were born with: YOUR VOICE! (Mutes, take a breather here.)

The next time you are in a large public place-such as a library or funeral home-wait until it becomes so quiet that you can almost hear a pin drop, then scream: “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!” Keep screaming this until your presence is clearly acknowledged.

If this doesn’t work, try: “LOOK AT ME, MOTHERFUCKERS! LOOK AT ME MOTHERFUCKERS!” for maximum effectiveness.

STEP TWO: Unusual Animals

Keeping an unusual animal around your neck or on your shoulder always helps getting attention. The best place to utilize this is at street fairs. Next time this type of event is in your neighborhood, attend it while having a large lizard perched on your shoulder. This puts out a statement to the world, “Look at me! I must clearly be an interesting person, being that I have a lizard on my shoulder. I must have very interesting things to say!”

To give yourself even more attention, have a chain running from the lizard’s neck to a newly adorned nose or earring.

STEP THREE: Wear a Funny or Amusing T-Shirt

You can’t even conceive how much attention mileage you’ll get by wearing a t-shirt with a funny slogan on the front. By simply wearing a chemise that states:

“Sex Instructor
First Lesson Free!”

You’ll find yourself with more attention than you can handle. People will come up to you, vocally appreciating your sense of humor and wanting to know more about the man behind the shirt. Besides both sharing a good laugh, you will achieve your goal of getting attention.

The same holds true by wearing a T-shirt with a very racist slogan and walking through Compton, California. You will get attention! But it will be different somehow.

STEP FOUR: Nudity

A straight ticket to the world of attention-getting requires nothing more than what you were born in-your birthday suit!

That’ s right. Nudity is a sure-fire way to get attention. Here’s an example, go to your favorite coffee shop. Order coffee and a large, very expensive cookie in the same manner you normally do, except this time… DO IT NUDE!!!!!!! You’ll find people who don’t normally give you the time of day giving you loads of attention.

Use this as a platform to ask that cute girl you’ve always had a secret crush on. Or, conversely, take this time to spout a nude manifesto before the police arrive to escort you from the premises.