How to Get Attention

STEP FIVE: Have Sex With An Animal

That wasn’t a typo. F&*k a goat, dog, sheep, and/or horse. Yes, you will no longer be Mr. Man-Who-Blends-Into-The-Crowd. No sir-ee. People will be talking about you for years to come!

Tip: Schtick it up, by mugging and rolling your eyes!

STEP SIX: Assassinate A Political Leader

This will get much, much attention. You don’t even have to kill the leader; just try to. Not only will your face grace the cover of magazines, but you will also be talked about on news shows and at other people’s workplaces.

The key is: you have to make sure you get caught! Don’t forget this!

STEP SEVEN: Use a Funny Catchphrase

Who doesn’t like funny catchphrases? That’s right, I’m Rick James, bitch! When you utter popular catchphrases used by celebrities and others on television, people will begin to think you are the life of the party! All it takes is:

1) Memorization skills
2) A TV

At parties, people will be literally dying with laughter as you utter the same words said by those on television, who were the ones that originally wrote the lines. People, not only give you attention, but respect, for having your finger on the pulse of what America thinks is funny. You go, girl! Ecetera.

STEP EIGHT: Pretend You Are Bigfoot

The phenomenon of Bigfoot has captured the imagination - not to mention the ATTENTION - of people all around the world. There are entire groups of people who do nothing but go out and try to spot Bigfoot, documenting his every move with shaky Super 8 film cameras, crude drawings, and plaster footprints.

That sounds like a hell of a lot of attention. So why not pretend you are the missing link between man and gorilla? All you need is one large fur suit, large feet, and a navigational sense of local forest areas. Once Bigfoot trekkers spot you, be sure to walk slowly for their cameras, occasionally staring directly into the lens. For further attention, let them examine your mating habits by making sweet love to the knothole in an ancient redwood tree.