How To Win Friends: Part One

Winter, Spring Summer and Fall
All you got to do is call.
You’ve got a friend!
-James Taylor-

13 Things Needed For Making Friends

As we all know, the following are the cardinal rules everyone should strictly follow in order to make a brand new friend:

1. An award winning smile.
2. Intense listening skills (eye-contact a must!)
3. A few jokes
4. Diverse and interesting hobbies
5. An award winning smile
6. Good personal hygiene (hair should always be combed)
7. A firm handshake
8. A pen and paper to write down your new friend’s phone number
9. Common interest
10. A smile which wins awards
11. Fresh, minty breath
12. A suit and tie (men only)
13. An award won by one’s smile

Why can’t we be friends?
Why can’t we be friends?
Why can’t we be friends?
-War-

Friend-Making Do’s and Don’ts

Lesson One: Have common things to talk about

This will establish a rapport with your conversation partner. A good conversation should flow like fine French champagne. Champagne flowing from from the mouths of you… and your BRAND NEW FRIEND, of course!

DO!

RAY: I really enjoy the shape of your skull!
GARY: And I, yours!
RAY: Thank you… new friend! (they shake hands)

DON’T!

MR. X: The sunset sure is nice!
MR. Y: Hrumph! I wouldn’t know. I’m blind.
(awkward silence)
MR X: (fumbling for words) Uh. Do you believe that the life we live, we’ll relive again and again and again?!
MR Y: I loath, more than anything, an existential school of thought. You are no friend of mine!
MR X: I see! I guess we’re enemies!

Lesson Two: Share a few jokes!

Everyone enjoys a good laugh! That goes without saying. Especially if that laugh is coming from a BRAND NEW FRIEND!

DO!

RAY: Knock-Knock!
GARY: Come in!
RAY: I’m not literally saying “knock-knock”. It’s a formulaic question which begs the response “Who’s there”! Let’s try again. “Knock-Knock!”
GARY: Come in!
RAY: You’re suppose to respond by saying “who’s there”. “KNOCK KNOCK!”
GARY: Come in!
RAY: You are trying my patience.
GARY: No, I’m playing what is called a “reverse joke”, where I go against the formulaic response by adding a “surprise” twist!
RAY: Come here, new friend, and give me a hug!
GARY: Ha-ha!
RAY: Ha-ha!
GARY & RAY: Ha-ha-ha!

DON’T!

MR. X: …Light is actually composed of particles. Therefore a black hole occurs when the gravity of a star is so intense that it actually…
MR Y: Can I stop this conversation right here, because you’re no friend of mine!
-dead silence-

Lesson Three: The Smith System of Friend-Making

1) Aim high in eye-contact.
2) Buy them a big picture.
3) Keep hands at the 10/2 position.
4) Give out lots of candy.

Part 2 coming soon!