In recent years, when asked whether or not there was an upgrade from porn and prostitution, I responded that there was none and that they had wasted my time by even asking me such a stupid question. Then I would quickly apologize because I realized that my anger wasn’t really towards them, but towards myself for not knowing an answer to this pressing question. Is there an upgrade? Is there a way to achieve a higher level of satisfaction than that provided by two of the world’s most lucrative careers? There was no way that this was even possible; it just seemed absurd. Being paid for sex just seemed too splendid to improve. However, in a recent turn of events, Jason Andrews and Amanda Logue may have found the answer. They have rocked the boat, and turned the world upside down. It seems that they have found a more gratifying position; they had upgraded…to murder.

Let’s take a journey; it’s time to take a look back at their histories to get a better understanding of what drove them to this, and how they became so dissatisfied with their respective careers. Jason was a simple bisexual DJ with a background in gay porn; he was living it up. Amanda was an unattractive prostitute with experience in several X-rated videos; she was on cloud nine. Their lives seemed perfect, but they were becoming disillusioned. Everyone around them could tell that they would soon be looking to upgrade. They had never met before, and little did they know, they were soul mates, crafted perfectly for each other.

It was an early Sunday morning, the Lord’s Day, when Jason and Amanda would finally meet; it had to be fate. A practical Cinderella story, it was. On that fateful porn set, they would make a decision that would change their lives forever; some would say for the worse, but most would disagree with these naysayers and say that they were changing the world for the better. These pessimists are the same people who started the recession with their negativity, and they should not be trusted or believed. Fortunately, Jason and Amanda’s physical union on set would lead to much bigger things despite those who thought that it was a “hit it and quit it” situation.

They soon began communicating back in forth through texting and the ever-popular “sexting”, which they both rather enjoyed. But, it was still not enough, they had everything in the world they could want, and somehow, they still craved more. They would soon need to develop a plan, a plan that would upgrade them to a state of total bliss. But, what were they going to do that would be more fulfilling than their current professions? They soon came up with a plan: murder a 41 year-old tattoo shop owner by bludgeoning and stabbing him to death. They knew that this was the perfect way to achieve their complicated goal, and they were ready to proceed.

Amanda started the day of the mission by drinking heavily and popping pills by the handful. Jason, on the other hand, began with angry masturbation and a few quick shots of heroin into his, well, I’ll spare you the injection site, but it starts with a “P”, ends with an “enis”. With their minds completely gone, they were ready to commit the deed of their lives; they would soon be happy. They entered the home of Dennis “scooter” Abrahamsem, the tattoo shop owner, and after a few hours of unintentional vandalism, they stumbled their way into Scooter’s room. They stared blankly at the wall for a few minutes, eventually turning their attention to the man of the hour. They knew what had to be done and they knew that this was how they would realize their dream. From there it was simply a man and a woman in an intoxicated state fulfilling their needs. It was stunning; if only we, you and I, could have been there to witness the upgrading from porn to murder.

Now, it’s almost a certainty that by this point you’re thinking that murder is definitely an upgrade; and Jason and Amanda would agree with you, along with the entire world. Their actions provided more satisfaction to them than any sexual fantasy could ever supply; they were in heaven. But this didn’t keep them from having passionate sex after they committed the deed. They were just doubling the pleasure and doubling the fun; who can fault them for that? Well, maybe the US court systems can, but hopefully they will understand that they were simply striving to better themselves, to conquer the American Dream.