If there is one constant about the Roman Catholic Church through the centuries, it is this: they love change.  So Catholics around the globe had to be delighted this past November when the Vatican issued a new translation of its mass in order to bring the text closer to the original Latin.  This is in keeping with their new mission statement:

“Looking to the future by using a dead language.”

Here are some of the highlights of the new translation:

One of the biggest changes in the mass comes early on.  For decades, Catholics have been trained according to the following response:

Priest: The Lord be with you.

Congregation: And also with you.

There is not a Catholic alive who can combat the urge to answer “And also with you.”  (Illustrating the Vatican’s enormously successful 1989 marketing campaign: “The Catholic Church.  Resistance is futile.”)  Several Harvard studies have proven that saying “The Lord be with you” to a room of practicing Catholics is the same thing as singing “Shave and a Haircut” to Roger Rabbit.

Which is why it had to come as a bit of a shock to most Catholics that the translation of this portion of the mass has been changed to read:

Priest: The Lord be with you.

Congregation: And with your spirit.

Presumably this new version is meant to answer the longform version of the previous call and response:

Priest: The Lord be with you.

Congregation: And also with you.

Priest: But what about my spirit?

Congregation: Shit, we don’t know.  We never thought of that before.

Priest: Well maybe next time you’ll give it some thought before just brazenly saying the first thing that pops into your head the next time I say “The Lord be with you…”

Congregation: And also with you.

Priest: Oh for Christ’s sake.

Congregation: …Thanks be to God?

What most Catholics don’t realize is that “And with your spirit” was one of several translations the church was considering for this particular exchange.  In fact, if it weren’t for the single deciding vote of Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz of Poland, this portion of the mass would read:

Priest: The Lord be with you.

Congregation: Suck it, Krishna!

(It should be noted that in the original Latin, the only difference between “And with your spirit” and “Suck it, Krishna” is a silent x.)

This exhange is not the only part of the mass that has undergone a radical makeover.  For decades, Catholics have been reciting the Nicene Creed (“We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty…”) by rote, intoning the familiar words in expressionless monotone without bothering to think about what they’re saying.  However, a major upheaval has taken place as, thanks to the new translation, Catholics all over the country will now be required to read the words without bothering to think about what they’re saying.

Notable changes to the Creed are:

Old: “…creator of Heaven and Earth.  Of all things seen and unseen.”

New: “…creator of Heaven and Earth.  Of all things visible and invisible.”

This is as good a time as any to remind all parishoners that the new missal books are non-refundable.

Now we can better understand this exchange recorded in the minutes of the Vatican last year:

“Your Holiness, we’re ready to begin our new translation of the Mass…”

“Excellent!  Here’s a thesaurus and a pack of darts…”

Old: “Begotten, not made, one in being with the Father…”

New: “Begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father…”

This change is in keeping with one of the church’s newest goals: making sure a Catholic wins the National Scrabble Championship.

Old: “I acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins…”

New: “I confess one baptism for the forgiveness of sins…”

And here is an illustration of the oldest and single most important rule of Catholicism: When in doubt, add more shame.  (The historical precedent for this rule goes all the way back to the very founding of the church.  For example, before it was “properly translated,” St. Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians was simply a postcard reading “Having a good time, wish you were her.”)

Speaking of shame, there’s also a new translation of the “I confess to almighty God” prayer known as the Confiteor, a Latin word meaning “lyrics by Kurt Cobain.”  It turns out that by including such phrases as “through my own fault,” the old Confiteor was considered far too upbeat to be a real Catholic prayer, which is best illustrated in the full text:

“I confess to almighty God

And to you, my brothers and sisters,

That I have sinned through my own fault,

In my thoughts and in my words,

In what I have done and what I have failed to do

Now I’m walkin’ on sunshine, whoa…

And don’t it feel good!”

Thankfully, the translators of the new Missal read the prayer and realized that all that was missing was more angst…

“I confess to almighty God

And to you, my brothers and sisters,

That I have greatly sinned…”

Only the Catholic church could look at a phrase like “I have sinned through my own fault” and think “Nah…too cocky.”  According to New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan, this part of the prayer was changed because “the original sounded too much like something Kanye would say.”

“In what I have done

And in what I have failed to do,

Through my fault, through my fault,

Through my most grievous fault…”

At long last, the new Missal makes it possible for the mass to meet the guiding principle for Catholicism set forth by St. Peter: self loathing is perfectly healthy as long as it’s in unison.  Catholic League President William Donahue, in his book God Loves Everyone You Sinful Asshole, further clarifies: “When done correctly, the only difference between a Catholic prayer and a suicide note is that the suicide note isn’t in Latin.”

Clearly the Catholic Church feels that after a few decades of tradition, these changes to the Missal will reenergize their congregations.  Said Chicago area Cardinal Francis George: “We’re a cultural institution.  Just like the Rolling Stones.  And why do people go to Rolling Stones concerts?  To hear the new stuff.”

Parishoners have quickly adjusted to the new Missal with only a few scattered instances of Christmas masses being interrupted by shouts of “Play ‘And Also With You!’”  With this movement back toward the original Latin text of the mass completed, the Vatican will now embark on its latest project that will similarly attempt to project a modern, up-to-date version of Catholicism:

Sending Galileo back to Hell.

Godspeed, Vatican.  And with your spirit.