Love Driving, Hate People

In the past, evolution would take care of the stupid by having them choke on a lawn dart or walk directly into a dinosaur’s mouth (yes, the Hanna Barbara universe is an accurate portrayal of the dawn of man). But civilization has triumphed over evolution. The weakest are surviving along with the fittest, leaving the former to become little koopa troopers for our Marios. Most smart people die because they were near someone trying to multitask while driving without the cognitive capacity to do so. Tweet: Making a left. Tweet: About to merge onto the street. Tweet: How many points do you get for vehicular manslaughter?
Many of us can handle talking on a cellphone while driving. Many of us can handle texting while driving. Many can play RockBand while driving. Not everyone can.

The following are truths that the sooner we agree on, the world will be a better place:

1. If you are unable to keep your mouth closed - jaw agape in shock at the fact that you’re driving a car - please walk.
2. If you receive a text while driving, rather than using your mongoloid thumbs to reply, call them back at a later time.
3. If you can’t wait for a later time, you likely have co-dependency problems.
4. If you drive a BMW or Maserati, you’re still going to die.
5. Driving slow is less safe than driving fast on fire.
6. If you have a lift-kit on your truck, the world assumes you have herpes.

This is an appeal to the world, especially Southern California, to help in the proliferation of our species by removing the surprised, the cowardly, and the douches from our streets. There are places for these people, however. I’d love to see Ed Hardy drop a lift-kit on a camel.