By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

(Brevard County, FL) Are you ready to be Saved! I mean ready? Really ready? Ready for the miracle of weed?

Oh ye Brothers and Sisters of the… Temple Of Lampoon? I feel The Holy Spirit inside me. Yes. A Spirit who grows and expands deep inside my very core (in fact, it kind of burns). The blessed Lord gives me power to rise up (maybe I should sit down) and reverse a terrible injustice. I embark on this journey and implore you, my disciples, to join me on a most important mission. To free the Holy Father Of Ganga. Can I get an “Amen?”

The heathen “judicial” system of Florida has taken a Brother from our midst. A Priest. A Minister. The Holy Man of Herb from the Hawaiian Cannabis Ministries (by way of Florida and The Internet):

“Was that your cannabis?” a judge asked.

“Yes sir,” replied Swallick.

He calls himself Reverend Steven Swallick of the Hawaiian Cannabis Ministries and took the stand in clerical garb identical to that of a catholic priest. Even though he faced prison time, Swallick openly admitted to the jury that he grew more than 100 marijuana plants at his home in Palm Bay. But Swallick said he did it because he had a higher calling. [Ed. Note: What kind of schmuck would use an easy pun like that?]

“The cannabis that was growing in your converted garage, that was your cannabis that you were cultivating?” the judge asked.“Yes sir, for religious purposes,” repled Swallick.

The 53-year-old says he was ordained through the Universal Life Church, a group which will ordain just about anybody almost instantaneously on the Internet. Swallick was prevented from discussing what he claims are religious uses of marijuana in front of the jury. The judge declared there was no evidence he practiced any recognized form of religion.

It took a Florida jury a mere fourteen minutes to convict Reverend Swallick on charges he engaged in the unholy manufacturing of cannabis. What Florida calls a crime, Rev. Swallick embraces as a religion. He also inhales his religion:

“I do inhale it. I do use it as an anointing oil. I do ingest it as a food product. There are over 25,000 beneficial uses for the plant,” Swallick said.

But, because the judge excluded testimony concerning marijuana’s long-standing religious use, the Pontius Pilate lot of a Florida jury would never hear or see Father’s testimony. His incantations can only be described as the very word of God Himself: “Cannabis is the ingredient in the Holy Anointing Oil, as given to Moses, though the Lord, when he appeared in the Burning Bush.”

Let there be light! And a cough.

Cannabis, he tells us, “is a holy sacrament recognized in the Bible.” Jesus used marijuana to heal. Reverend Swallick only immersed himself in the blessed herb, “as a priest;” thereby making his humongo pot lab kosher. While Father Swallick contended his stash was protected First Amendment exercise of religion, the judge thought it was an unholy affront to the science of God.

Our good reverend now faces up to ten years in Florida State Prison as he awaits sentencing and possible crucifixion of the Hawaiian Cannabis Ministries.

I am outraged Brothers and Sisters. A minister! A priest! A saint appointed by God Himself! Ten years? It is our holy Lampoon duty to pray for his immediate release and raise the Holy Gravity Bong (in those states where it’s legal) as we join together:

Please bow your heads.

Our Father. Who art a big bag of Trainwreck. Seedless be Thy strain:

Please help our Brother in his time of need… which rhymes with “weed.”

Forgive Florida, for they know not what they do. Which is nothing really out of the ordinary.

Now, we shall inhale you. And stuff.

Amen.

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