Memo to President Obama – On Visiting Yellowstone

By Alex Moaba , read about Alex here

Mr. President: I’ve been asked to give you a briefing for your upcoming trip to Yellowstone National Park, having myself ventured there on vacation a week ago. I too traveled in a giant SUV, was accompanied by my family and tried to leave the car as rarely as possible.

Driving through Yellowstone is like taking a safari of the American West just as it was 200 years ago. You’ll see things you’ve only read about in the history books — bald eagles soaring through the sky, herds of buffalo freely roaming the plains, dead Native Americans lining the side of the road. Think Dances With Wolves meets Jurassic Park.

The beauty of the pristine landscapes is awe-inspiring. As I overheard a Hell’s Angel say to his 250 pound bearded lady of a girlfriend at a scenic overlook, “this is Church for the day.” You’ve been looking for a new church, right? Nevermind. Tell the cameras you’ve come West for a weekend of peace, solitude, and reflection that can be found here, in God’s Country — it sounds like something Lincoln might’ve said.

Yellowstone should be a nice place to get away from the toxic politics of this week’s health care debate. Then again, Montana is the home state of Sen. Max Baucus, head of the Senate Finance Committee and grand poobah of the “Blue Dog Democrats.” You may need to show up on his porch with a bottle of Roughstock Montana Whiskey, get him really sauced and refuse to leave until you’ve secured the public option. Two words — Whiskey Summit.

Another plus - for now, there are no loaded guns allowed in National Parks, unlike your recent Town Hall event in New Hampshire, where wingnuts showed up armed and yelling. Although thanks to a provision put into the Credit Card Bill you signed in May, that firearms ban will be lifted next February. Well done, sir!

Be sure to give a speech in front of the Roosevelt Arch. It’s like the Brandenburg Gate of Yellowstone, except this time Angela Merkel can’t tell you not to use national monuments for your personal political stagecraft.

As to the message of said speech, consider something like this: “National parks - a shining example of one good thing the federal government has accomplished in the last 100 years!” The National Parks Service was established in 1916, something most people can agree was a pretty decent idea, and after you trashed the Post Office a few days ago the federal bureaucracy is in dire need of a hug.

Be sure not to jump in any hot sulfur springs. While these pools may look like the awesomest of hot-tubs, Yellowstone is a live volcanic site, and the pools are fueled by superheated water and gas that could burn your skin off, leaving you with Michael Jackson Disease. Though the sulfurous stench that radiates from them does provide excellent cover should you feel the need to rip one.

Skip Old Faithful. One of the biggest geysers in the country, it’s been shooting eruptions of water over 100 feet into the air every 78 minutes for the last 10,000 years. It’s also a tourist trap packed with fat asses and mullets. You came here to be in nature, not wait on line for Splash Mountain.

Drive the Bear Tooth Highway. First commissioned by Herbert Hoover and then continued under FDR as government make-work, it’s a windy mountain highway with phenomenal views that ascends up 11,000 feet. If there was a project this cool in the Economic Recovery Act, you’d probably be there this weekend, but there isn’t, because it’s impossible.

Don’t get on a horse. Seriously dude, no. We all loved City Slickers, but there is major Dukakis on a tank/ John Kerry in hunting gear potential here. You may also want to avoid cowboy hats.

Don’t expect to be able to use a cell phone, Blackberry, or access the Internet while in the park. This will mean no checking White Sox scores or texts from Rahm, as well as the possibility of Joe Biden running the country for a few hours while you’re off the grid. In other words, this trip is a terrible, terrible idea.