Moo Means Yes In Jersey

by Eddie “Cube” Rawls

(Moorestown, NJ) Where to begin? Hmm… I know! Some copper from Jersey f*cked five cows and got off the hook.

Now, I gather you’re thinking this some tawdry Lampoon ploy – a catchy headline, “Moorestown, NJ” as our setting, and the super-popular bestiality/law enforcement shell game trick. I can hear it now: “Moorestown! Ha-ha! I get it! Cows go Moo!” No. This is a good, old-fashioned, veritable act of cow raping.

I couldn’t make up a pile of dung like this if I tried. Well, I could, but that’s not the point. For example, if your humble and reserved author were to conjure up a fictional town for this gripping piece of legal drama, unquestionably I’d avoid a stupid pun like “Moorestown” to represent man-bovine love – Newark makes much more sense.

Judge James J. Morley dropped animal cruelty charges against New Jersey Police Officer Robert Melia Jr. after he allegedly had sex with some baby cows. Here’s the kicker, the ruling was based on a premise that the cows may have liked and welcomed Mr. Police Officer’s dong:

[Judge] Morley ruled that oral sex with cows cannot constitute animal cruelty since the cows aren’t talking and may not have been “tormented” or “puzzled” by the experience.

In a simply amazing exchange with prosecutors, Morley went into the uncertainties of man-cow relations: “If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, ‘Where’s the milk? I’m not getting any milk,’” …

Morley went on to explain that children are comforted by pacifiers and perhaps cows are equally pacified by police officers in these cases: “They [children] enjoy the act of suckling,” the judge said. “Cows may be of a different disposition.” …

Morley ignored that one cow head-butted Melia in the stomach and appeared far from happy. The prosecutor objected that the cows were “very upset” by Melia’s action and stated “I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man’s penis in the mouth of a calf is torment.”

You see, bestiality is not a crime in New Jersey. And to answer your question, yes, now’s a good time to buy real estate.

While the omission of bestiality from New Jersey law should really not come as any big surprise, animal cruelty prohibitions are etched in Jersey concrete. Here, there was no animal cruelty as a matter of law. It is to the law of animal cruelty, not bestiality, the judge was duty bound to follow. Clearly, Judge Morley made the right call. By the way, when I write the word “clearly,” I really mean the opposite of “clearly.”

To sum up the court’s logic, the prosecutor couldn’t offer up enough evidence to prove the cow did not dig giving Melia blow jobs. Simple. Case dismissed. Hooray for strict construction!

Here’s where I disagree. It’s not as if the cop’s from Detroit — the man’s from New Jersey. What decent cow would give a cop from New Jersey a hummer?