NAG NAG NAG! A Morality Tale of Marital Ennui

by Aaron J Waltke

Jimony Christmas, will this woman ever shut up?

I swear, it’s all she does! She’s been at this for at least forty-five minutes now. First the drapes aren’t stylish enough, then she tells me I need to take the garbage out more often, then she says I need to ask for a promotion again (didn’t she hear me the first time when I said that corporate said they didn’t have the money to give me a raise?!)

I just don’t understand the mechanics of how someone can yammer on like that without stopping to breathe just once. Not once! Is there an intake port somewhere on the back of her head that I wasn’t aware of? This troll of a woman is a screeching machine!

Blah, blah, blah. I was all ready for a nap dagnabbit, and this old bat is comes in yelling and lays to waste all of my best laid “nap plans.” She keeps droning on endlessly! What’s that, honey? No, I didn’t remember to take the dog to the vet yet, I figured he was just eating grass because that’s what DOGS DO. God, that voice of hers sounds like a B-52 bomber, dumping payload after payload of nagging crapola, making me listen to her views on stupid garbage I knew already or don’t care about.

Why’d I even marry this ogress? I may as well have stayed a bachelor and just put a cassette tape on loop of the sound of boars being slaughtered. My life would have been exactly same as it is now, but with a better soundtrack than this wretched hag’s raspy whining.

Talk, talk, talk this woman does!

Blather, blather, blather!

Don’t worry, Morty, old pal. You’ve got your secret weapon. All I have to do to make this conversation go quicker is just tune her out and think about something else. Smile and nod every so often, pat her hand and say you’re sorry, and that should be enough to keep her from suspecting you don’t give three shites about her nitpickery.

That’s it, Morty. Just think about the putting the green down at Orange Palms golf resort. That’s your zen garden. Your happy place. Let the peace wash over you, forget this witch and the white noise coming out of her mouth.

No more talking, just zone her out.

Nothing but peace.

Peace.

Peace…