National Lampoon’s August Horoscopes
by MaryKate Linehan
Aquarius

(January 20-February 17)
Your life straight up sucks. Things will change once you stop eating sidewalk chalk before the 30th.
Pisces

(February 18-March 19)
You will avoid death this week. So wipe that sh*t eating grin off your stupid face.
Aries

(March 20-April 19)
Have you learned to recognize your inner beauty? If a unicorn crapped out a bunch of rainbows would you know the how to divide it by 7? Please reflect.
Taurus

(April 20-May 20)
You’re afraid of bananas and clocks. Overcoming this fear will alleviate your sex pooping disorder.
Gemini

(May 21-June 20)
You should start talking to volleyball and no one else. It will help you discover
Cancer

(June 21-July 21)
Stop being a p*ssy and join a mariachi band.
Leo

(July 22-August 22)
Grow a handlebar mustache by the 27th; this will open doors you never thought were possible.
Virgo

(August 23-September 22)
Buy an 8 ball of coke and watch the entire series of 24 after the 16th. Jack Bauer is f*cking sweet.
Libra

(September 23-October 22)
Dump sardines over your head to relieve some stress. There’s nothing like a fishy experience.
Scorpio

October 23-November 21)
Take some acid to discover your inner alien. Tom Cruise will be your best friend.
Sagittarius

(November 22-December 20)
Slap your significant other in the face with a large dildo. Don’t worry; they’ll thank you for it.
Capricorn

(December 21-January 19)
Sacrifice a virgin by the 28th; it may give you eternal life and a dead body to hide.

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