National Lampoon’s August Horoscopes

by MaryKate Linehan

Aquarius

(January 20-February 17)

Your life straight up sucks. Things will change once you stop eating sidewalk chalk before the 30th.

Pisces

(February 18-March 19)

You will avoid death this week. So wipe that sh*t eating grin off your stupid face.

Aries

(March 20-April 19)

Have you learned to recognize your inner beauty? If a unicorn crapped out a bunch of rainbows would you know the how to divide it by 7? Please reflect.

Taurus

(April 20-May 20)

You’re afraid of bananas and clocks. Overcoming this fear will alleviate your sex pooping disorder.

Gemini

(May 21-June 20)

You should start talking to volleyball and no one else. It will help you discover

Cancer

(June 21-July 21)

Stop being a p*ssy and join a mariachi band.

Leo

(July 22-August 22)

Grow a handlebar mustache by the 27th; this will open doors you never thought were possible.

Virgo

(August 23-September 22)

Buy an 8 ball of coke and watch the entire series of 24 after the 16th. Jack Bauer is f*cking sweet.

Libra

(September 23-October 22)

Dump sardines over your head to relieve some stress. There’s nothing like a fishy experience.

Scorpio

October 23-November 21)

Take some acid to discover your inner alien. Tom Cruise will be your best friend.

Sagittarius

(November 22-December 20)

Slap your significant other in the face with a large dildo. Don’t worry; they’ll thank you for it.

Capricorn

(December 21-January 19)

Sacrifice a virgin by the 28th; it may give you eternal life and a dead body to hide.