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MOVIESNational Lampoon’s Book Club: An Inside Look at the Newest Britain’s Got Talent-Themed Romance Novel
by Jocelyn Richard
Excerpts from Edith Wilson’s An Accidental Idol
CHAPTER 86: “Lovely Burgers and Burgeoning Love”
It was an hour before show time, but Susan Boyle was already nervous and unsightly. Her stomach churned with angst, and also from the Mini Sirloin Burgers she ate earlier that day. The penetrating smell of competition overwhelmed her elfin nostrils like bad wasabi, but that was nothing compared to the pressure she felt from deep within her heart, past all the layers of fatty tissue and everything, to find the perfect man-one that would appreciate Susan for Susan. “If only I could find a man that is desperately seeking Susan,” she pondered ever-so-cleverly, recalling the last movie she’d seen in theaters. “I would marry him in a heartbeat, provided my heart is still beating after so many trips to Jack in the Box.”
No sooner had Susan burst into song-nothing makes a wish come true like singing it out loud to the tune of “Jellicle Cats”-than Simon Cowell rounded the corner, faster than Nicolas Cage as Ghostrider. “It’s like God from the King James Version of the Bible is playing another one of His wonky pub games,” thought Susan. After weeks of repressed longing, like the kind usually felt by repulsive-looking people, Susan could no longer hide her homely feelings, which only intensified when she noticed Simon’s petite chest-curls peeking out from the top of his twinset V-neck sweater.
“Ah, Susan!” he said Britishly. “I’ve come to see if you might like the rest of my Mini Sirloin Burgers.” Susan’s heart quivered, because it was infused with the adrenaline of love, and because it was still working overtime from having to pump around that last batch of burgers. “Alas! Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marks, any heart not tough or strong enough take a lot of pain,” she pondered ever-so-cleverly, recalling lyrics from the last band she’d seen in concert. Keeping this in mind, she turned to align herself with the middle of Simon’s face-which is clearly marked by an imaginary line running from the middle part to the cleft chin, known as the “Prime Meridian”-so as to observe him in a more stalkerly fashion. “Indeed, there is no pleasanter gift in all the world, than these tiny and delicious patties,” she said. “If I had not just come from Jack in the Box myself, I should have devoured them directly.”
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What the f*** kind of horrible person are you? you are disgusting!
this is disgusting, but OMG go to the Susan Boyle Fan Site and read their “Shippers” thread - a little fantasy thingy about Susan and Pierc Morgan. lol its a goodie!
my gosh how can people make fun of this wonderful lady, I agree Manda I hope Susan never read,s that thread its disgusting.
How low-life out of line for anyone to suggest anything about this dear brave lady’s personal life. How bored are you people?
This Lampoon article is cruel & inaccurate on 2 counts; It attacks Ms. Boyle’s personal appearance (& the authors have apparently not seen her album cover to verify what she really looks like) & it depicts a repulsive affair between 2 people who have nothing but a professional relationship between them. On the other hand, Ms. Boyle & Mr. Morgan have carried on a very harmless, very public flirtation for the last 6 months, in front of millions of people. It’s good publicity for both of them. Speculation on a pleasant outcome for that relationship is no more harmful or disgusting than speculation on where Ms. Boyle will perform on tour. I find it patronizing & out of line for people to treat Ms. Boyle like a child, a cloistered nun or a helpless victim. She’s a successful professional adult who has, in her own words, a wicked sense of humor.
This was so bl**dy funny, though you all should go visit Susan-Boyle.com, they have an even better story. I think it is called the “Shippers” I joined there once, read that and took to the hills mighty quick. Have never been back there since. Talk about fanatics man oh man they were so uncool. Forever having arguments and stuff. I am not going back that is for sure. I Will go find a better place like the official site.
Yeh I do love Susan Boyle, but I ain’t fanatical about it
Gee Ann, that’s really interesting! Since that quite harmless and fun thread was only renamed ‘Shippers” a few days ago it’s amazing that when you “once” visited the site some time ago you had the profetic wisdom to predict what it would be called in the future.
Methinks you fib just a little and have an agenda of your own - to come online, have arguments and try to destroy that site and the good people there. Hmmmmm.
read it and weap
today it seems men are being told it is for girls only, men reading it will be lableled peepers - and they are discussing how an annulment can be done so the wedding can proceed
can’t make this stuff up folks - go take a look for yourself
Sorry, “Shippers,” there’s nothing “quite harmless and fun” about making up fantasies out of whole cloth about real people. You know nothing about Susan and Piers except a few casual interactions in public, at the level of performance. What you are reading into those interactions is purely the creation of your imaginations. Piers Morgan has a girlfriend, with whom he was seen as recently as at Simon Cowell’s 50th birthday party. There is no intelligent reason to believe that Piers and Susan are “an item,” and it’s not particularly respectful to publicly fantasize about what you wish they were doing together.
Yes, the Lampoon story is crass, rude, and tacky–but obviously it was written that way on purpose, to make a point. At least the Lampoon story is intentional parody, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they had visited your “shipper” thread and were making fun of it with this story!
There was nothing amusing about the nasty comments re Susan’s looks; the idea that at least it’s “merely” a parody is something with which I heartily disagree. “Cruel” and ‘ugly” and “sick” I think aptly describe the psyche of the person who wrote this- and anyone who could enjoy it.