CELEBRITY
SPORTS
GAMING
MOVIESNational Lampoon’s The Oscars
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The champion here could be a certain “dark horse” that’s
coming out of the “backstretch.” You might say that this
“filly” could “beat the odds” in the “daily
racing form” to “take the chase.” You might even say
that this film about a Depression-era racehorse led by a half-blind
ex-prizefighter (Tobey Maguire) and a mustang breaker (Chris Cooper),
released by Universal Pictures to an opening weekend gross of $20,854,735
that rhymes with the word “fleatriscuit” will take this
category in a photo-finish. And that film is Agent Cody Banks.
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BEST
DIRECTOR |
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Peter Jackson is a shoe-in for this category since the Academy fears
the doomsday scenario that will ensue if LOTR fans don’t see their
hero finally get his due. Imagine: geeks running through city streets
yelling “Frodo lives!” and pelting innocent pedestrians
with Ultimate Spider-Man comics and Japanese Kubrick toys.
Jocks and bullies impaled with official Star Wars replica lightsabers.
Streets flowing with fake blood packets from Evil Dead II purchased
off eBay. Groups of nerds in comic book shops endlessly debating the
possibility of writer Grant Morrison taking over Green Lantern.
In short, the world will be plunged into chaos in which people will
refer to their lives in “pre-2/29” and “post-2/29”
terms. The Academy doesn’t want that blood on their hands.
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BEST
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY |
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Sofia Coppola could prove to be a surprise upset for her heart wrenching
portrayal of two lost souls finding one another. Here’s a bit
of trivia to throw around at your Oscar party: the film’s character
of John was loosely based on Sofia’s ex-husband Spike Jonze.Also,
the phrase “lost in translation” actually translates in
Japanese as “102 minutes of Asian stereotyping and Scarlett Johansson
staring out the window.”
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Academy members may deny the staunchly liberal Penn his Oscar due to fear
that he’ll use his acceptance speech as a platform for an anti-Bush
rant ala Michael Moore. However, the academy need not fear since the show’s
seven second broadcast delay will make Penn’s speech sound something
like this:
"I’d like to thank the academy,
the prolific Clint Eastwood, and my amazing wife Robin without whom none
of this would’ve been possible. I’d also like to take this
opportunity to express my sincere [appreciation for] the Bush Administration.
During my recent trip to Iraq I found [definite proof of weapons of mass
destruction] and countless [examples of patriotism]. I can only hope that
the 2004 elections will bring and end to the reign of these [fluffy kitty
cats] and their [adorable purring]. Americans, I implore you on November
9th to do your duty as citizens of this great nation and [see Disney/Pixar’s
The Incredibles in theaters November 5th.]"
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Charlize Theron is slated to win this category if only for her strict
adherence to the textbook route to Oscardom. De-glammed? Check. Hooker
with a good heart? Check. Serial killer? Check. Regional dialect? Check.
Naked? Check. Raped? Check. Oscar-clip-friendly emotional breakdown scene?
Check. But most importantly, she made herself U-G-L-Y. We haven’t
seen a performance this brave since Halle Berry went sans makeup in Monster’s
Ball. Or when the girl from She’s All That wore glasses.
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BEST
SUPPORTING ACTRESS |
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Renée Zellweger will surely win for her spot-on portrayal of
Granny Clampett in The Beverly Hillbillies 2: Back to Cold Mountain.
We particularly enjoyed the part when the scrappy drifter slapped her
scuffed knees and hollered, “Let’s put this here rooster
in a pot. Them’s good vittles Jed!”
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NEW
CATEGORIES |
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MOST
APPLAUSE RECEIVED FOR THINLY VIELED POLITICAL STATEMENT
• Costume Design winner wears ribbon in support of newly married
gay couples
• Documentary Short Subject winner accepts award on behalf of immigrants
seeking political asylum
• Tim Robbins plugs MoveOn.org after winning Best Supporting Actor
trophy
• Billy Crystal invites Mel Gibson to Passover dinner
• In protest of Wesley Clark’s withdrawal from the race, Michael
Moore takes giant shit onstage
BEST BILLY CRYSTAL MOMENT
• Assuring the audience there will be no wardrobe malfunctions before
the presentation of the Best Costume award
• Bestowing Best Metrosexual Oscar to Johnny Depp for his flamboyant
work in Pirates of the Caribbean
• Relating Martha Stewart’s legal woes to the film You
Got Served in opening monologue
• Playing Gollum protecting his “precious” Oscar statuette
in opening film parody
• Musical montage pun in which political dark horse John Edwards
is compared to Seabiscuit
• Referring to presenters Jennifer Garner and Orlando Bloom as “the
hottest couple since Paris Hilton and the guy she made the sex tape with”
WHAT
HARVEY WEINSTEIN WILL BE DOING INSTEAD OF WATCHING THE SHOW
• Holding own Oscar ceremony in which Cold Mountain sweeps
every category
• Cutting unused Tarantino dailies into Kill Bill: Volumes 3-6
• Plotting ways to transform Brittany Murphy into the next Gwyneth
Paltrow
• Angrily highlighting passages from Miramax tell-all Down and
Dirty Pictures: Miramax, Sundance, and the Rise of Independent Film
• Watching 4 1/2 hour extended cut of Gangs of New York
in his underwear while eating a quart of Chunky Monkey
ACTIVITIES
VIEWERS WILL ENGAGE IN WHILE MPAA PRESIDENT
JACK VALENTI MAKES HIS PLEA AGAINST DOWNLOADING
• Downloading The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
• Downloading Lost in Translation
• Downloading Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
• Downloading Mystic River
• Downloading Seabiscuit
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