Obama Declares War on Fox News

By Thane Economou
Images by Kris Hanson

In a stunning and surprising move, President Barack Obama signed a declaration of war against the cable news network Fox News in the Oval Office earlier today. He then announced his decision that fighting a television station is clearly a higher priority than focusing on health care reform.
“It is Fox News who is going to need health care,” said Obama, “when I’m done kicking their asses.” Obama then gestured for Fox News to “suck it,” and swaggered away from the podium.
Confrontations between the Obama Administration and Fox News have been occurring for some time now. In recent weeks, the White House had accused Fox News of not being a real news network, to which Rupert Murdoch, chairman of News Corp, replied: “then why is it called Fox News?” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has yet to give a rebuttal to this argument.
Additionally, White House communications director Anita Dunn has branded Fox News as being on the payroll for the GOP. Fox News pundit Glenn Beck responded on his show yesterday saying, “We’re not on the payroll. That is offensively false. We gladly do this for free!” He then wept for four and a half solid minutes of airtime.
After signing the declaration of war, Obama instantly gathered the chiefs of staff and Keith Olbermann to the war room to begin plans of attack. Olbermann was forced to leave the meeting early when he ejaculated in his pants at the sight of Obama.
Two main criticisms of Obama’s war on Fox News have already surfaced. The first is that he did not seek a resolution of approval from a worldwide, peacekeeping organization such as the U.N. or The View. Insiders claim Obama feared a veto from Elisabeth Hasselbeck of The View’s security council. The second criticism is the White House’s alliance with liberal biased cable news network MSNBC. But Robert Gibbs claims the prayers and self-flagellations led by Keith Olbermann every morning in the MSNBC offices for their lord and savior Barack Obama in no way make them a biased news network.
The first shots of The Great Fox News War were fired by the Obama administration announcing it will not be sending officials to Fox News shows for interviews. Additionally, Robert Gibbs urged other networks to not allow Fox News into the White House press room and to defriend them on Facebook.
Verbal assaults from Gibbs and Dunn from the White House have proved the most dangerous attacks on Fox News. Dunn’s insistence that Fox News was biased so enraged Bill O’Reilly that on his show, The O’Reilly Factor, he began a rant claiming rumors of bias had been spread by “pinko, liberal, faggy pinheads!” His head then exploded, and O’Reilly became the first casualty of the Fox News War.

The bloodshed continued when Chris Matthews began a violent rampage through Fox News’s New York headquarters, tearing employees from limb from limb. Those present claim the offices fell into a Cloverfield-esque state of mass chaos. Women and children and Shepard Smith huddled in corners, crying in fear, as a bloody, growling Matthews hulked past. His ferocious attack was only stopped when Neil Cavuto’s head proved too large to eat, and he retreated back to MSNBC’s base.

One glimmer of hope between the war of the biased news left and the biased news right came when former co-hosts Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes were seen embracing one another on a fire escape, singing “Tonight” from West Side Story.
Throughout this bloody combat, the Switzerland of the cable news networks, CNN, has remained both neutral and last place in the ratings. To respond, Wolf Blitzer has added an additional two screens to his Situation Room (bringing the total to 47) and Anderson Cooper is now doing the news fully nude.
Obama claims he will not end this war until Fox News is destroyed. “I will not stop the battle against biased information until every news network agrees with me and repeats that message. And I will not stop this war to maintain our freedom of speech until this news network is destroyed. Can we destroy Fox News? Yes we can.”