Obama is First and Oldest Kenyan USA President

By Gabe Grossman

Excerpts from National Lampoon’s Glorious Book of Records Things: First and Oldest Kenyan Elected President of the United States.

We, as a society, are fascinated by world records. Perhaps it is that Randian strain of pull-yourself-up-by-your-garters individualism that is so prevalent in our American culture that leads us to obsess with the idea of a person, or a group of people, going out and defying the odds to find some momentary, probably perverse glory where no one else can. It’s that spirit-and the unflagging desire for celebrity, of course-that drives it. Go where no man has gone before, invent something entirely new, grow your fingernails to lengths unheard of by man, beast, or shrub. It’s a mixture of entrepreneurial and creative spirits, a mixture which intrigues us at National Lampoon just as much as it does you. That, and we really want to out do Guinness at their own game.

So today, the fourth of August in the 2009^th year of our Lord, we hereby inaugurate the National Lampoon’s Glorious Book of Records and Things. To mark the occasion, we present to you a taste of what’s to come, with our first entry:

On August 4^th, 2009, Barack Obama turned 48 years old. By making it this far, Barack Obama has become the oldest Kenyan elected President of the United States of America. Until now, Obama has held firm in his claim of being an American citizen. But, on being granted the award (thrown over the White House gates and over the Rose Garden by none other than Chevy Chase), Barack Obama surprised the world (and Democrats across the nation) by admitting his true heritage.

“You know, people, they say to me, ‘Barack, why’d you do it? Why take on this job during these hard times?’ [Laughs] and, you know, I always said, ‘We’re Americans, and Americans have always come together when times get tough. We see challenges through to the end, we’re a hard working people, and we always end up stronger and more united than where we left off.’ But, uh, you know, now I feel all right telling the people the truth, getting this weight off my back, you know? Now when someone asks me that questions I’m free to tell them, ‘Well, you know, I hold the record for Oldest Kenyan President of the United States, and the first Kenyan actually elected.’ [Laughs] I’m all like, ‘Psych!’”

Obama surpasses Millard Fillmore, née Al K. Dah, as the oldest Kenyan citizen to become President of the United States. Fillmore, a petit 43 when he was inaugurated, became the first Kenyan president of the United States when in 1850. He was the first Kenyan to hold American office when, in 1848, Congress passed the United Brotherhood Act. The act, penned by Stuart Jauelly Dobbs (great-great-grandfather of TV pundit Lou Dobbs), stated, “It is heretofore noted that, forthwith, the American people share so much in common with the Kenyan people that we have an obligation-a duty-to give them say in our governmental proceedings. Just as our forefathers demanded, we must lend our ears to our Kenyan neighbors to the East and let our brothers represent.

When asked by trusty National Lampoon reporters how he’d celebrate the momentous occasion, Obama replied, “You know, I think I’m going to have a cigarette, put on a ceremonial kanzu robe, and dance the Sikuti.”

When asked what he thought of his great-great-grandfather’s landmark act which allowed for this historical event, Lou Dobbs replied with a baritone and melodramatic “gobble gobble” and proceeded to peck at some crumbs someone had dropped on the floor.

The End

Illustration by David Dees