On The Fourth Of July

by O.C.

History

In 1776 a committee of our forefathers, two men wearing wigs - Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, one balding with long hair on the side - Benjamin Franklin and two men that names don’t really need to be mentioned drafted the Declaration of Independence. Actually Thomas Jefferson wrote up the draft and the only thing John Adams and Benjamin Franklin did was make a few minor changes and deleted several sections including one condemning slavery before it was submitted to the Continental Congress. It was probably fat ass Benjamin Franklin that decided to delete that section and his rationalization behind it, who else would hold his kite with the key attached to the end in the middle of a thunderstorm - not like he wasn’t crazy enough to do it himself, but I guess this would be more fun to watch.

But with all that said about the Declaration of Independence, America still didn’t have its freedom completely - well some “Americans” wouldn’t get their freedom for years, but that’s not what this story is about. This is where I leave out some truths and some facts, because I’m trying to paint a good picture of America and fill your hearts with pride so you can get out there this Fourth of July, down a couple of beers and hopefully get pulled over at a sobriety check point. So, from 1775 to 1783 America was at war with Britain. It was called the American Revolution. Obviously we won because we don’t have to listen to anything the British say. We fixed out teeth, we changed our accent but some places still get taxed without representation like Washington, D.C. and then we have places like California where we continue to get taxed by stupid representation.

So let’s recap. The Declaration of Independence was a document that declared our Independence from Britain. But Britain wasn’t buying that bullsh*t and said we’ll fight you for it. So a long war ensued with the Patriots (us) led by a Great General missing teeth with powdered hair leading us to victory, which made July 4th an official holiday

Celebration

The Fourth of July is like Thanksgiving and New Years Eve wrapped into one. It’s like Thanksgiving because you get a group of people together and eat how much you want. You can throw a barbeque, surround yourself with people you love and hate (family) and pig out in the name of the Fourth. And it’s similar to New Years Eve because you can get as drunk as you want although kissing strangers at midnight is not necessary and if you own a gun you can shoot it up in the air. You can also put a hundred dollars into fireworks that you’re just going to light on fire or you can do what I do and just light the hundred dollars on fire.

Some people even like to buy firecrackers like cherry bombs or half stick of dynamites, which are illegal in some States. But who are we to try and stop these Americans from trying to get a real sense of what the American Revolution was really like; therefore, by blowing off their limbs or blinding themselves they get to see what that war was really like. These are the true Americans willing to go the extra mile.

Where I’m from - the hood, some of my neighbors like to start celebrating an entire month in advance — nothing like throwing firecrackers at children, people in cars or at unsuspecting Senior citizens to get you in the mood to celebrate. But the celebration doesn’t end on the Fourth; it can last until August, September, and October, until those firecrackers are gone. I guess this is their way of saying, “Free At Last, Free At Last, Thank God Almighty, I’m Free At Last,” until they get caught later that night for lighting illegal fireworks.

If you’re lucky enough to live in a state that has a Firework show you won’t have to worry about burning up your money or blowing off your limbs. The only thing you’ll have to do that may be uncomfortable is sing patriotic songs with other off-key Americans.

“The Star-Spangled Banner” - a slap in the British face. First we defeated them, gained our freedom then we ripped them off for our National Anthem. It was once a popular British drinking song and now it’s a popular American drinking song.

And here Roseanne appears to be drunk although she’s not as she butchers “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Although she is very off-key, at least she knew the words unlike this police officer.

He should definitely stick to his day job.

“My Country, ‘Tis of Thee” - another stolen British melody. It wasn’t just the melody to any song it came from their national anthem. When we won our independence we also won the right to take any melody we wanted from them.

“God Bless America” - who better to sing about America than an immigrant? A patriotic song by an immigrant today would take lots of hard work especially while running from the Minutemen - armed Americans that learned that being a minute man in bed isn’t as good as patrolling the borders and using their racism to keep future underpaid maids and gardeners out of the U.S.
“This Land Is Your Land” - Woody Guthrie got tired of hearing “God Bless America,” so he wrote this song. He could’ve named it, “What the Hell You Know about America, You’re Just an Immigrant,” but that was too long. Although his original response to the song was “God Blessed America for Me.”

“America the Beautiful” - was written by a professor as she traveled by train through Colorado Springs. It’s a good thing she was traveling through Colorado and not New York City on a subway because then this would definitely be an entirely different song as she saw rats scurry through the dark dirty tunnel. It would be “America the Wretched.”

“Yankee Doodle” AKA Yankee Fools sung in the Northeastern states because the South prefers to sing a song (Dixie) that came out of the ignorant a** Black face minstrel shows. Somehow the name of this song should be changed to Dixie Doodles.