When the machine sent back a killer cyborg and humanity could send back one man with no weapons…
they sent back this man:

When they fought one acid-blooded alien, they brought in Tom Skerritt…
But when they had to fight 50, the brought in this man:

When they needed someone to strike fear into the hearts of Snake Plissken AND Batman…
They brought in this man:

Before Wesley Snipes was a tax evader, he was a bad ass who slaughtered vampires.
And during the height of his bad-assedness, when they needed a top-of-the-line hard ass
(Yeah, there is going to just be a lot of raving about Michael Biehn in this article.  Get over it)
they called in this dude:

Michael Biehn

Any good film geek worth his salt knows who he is and knows the important part he plays in film and humanity in general.  And when you get a chance to go check out his Directoral Debut AND meet him, you do it.  Even if it means a 7 hour round trip in one day when you have to get up early and work the next day.  Because, come on… its Michael Fucking Biehn!

The film is called The Victim, which Biehn wrote, directed and starred in.  The Victim is a grindhouse type film and Biehn went a long way towards crediting Robert Rodriguez for his inspiration (through his book “Rebel Without a Crew” and their work together on Planet Terror. I omitted that entry in my Biehn-troduction to this article.  At some point you’ve just got to stop gushing and get on with the review.  I also think there’s only so much text you should put inside of parentheses.  Not sure what that limit is. But this feels like it may be getting close to crossing that line).

Through special, magical connections, I was able to meet Mr. Biehn and his lovely wife, Jennifer (star and Producer of the film).  I turned into stammering, nervous fan-boy idiot talking with him.  He seemed used to that sort of reaction.  I also planted the seeds to possibly having an interview with the happy couple about this film and all other things Biehn for the Lampoon.  I’m sure he is excitedly waiting by the phone for the opportunity to talk more with “weird, sweaty, nervous bald guy from National Lampoon.”  My words, not his.

Inside the theater, we are treated to a montage of Biehn’s greatest moments before he took the stage to introduce the film.  (Some guy named Larry talked before him, but whatever).  He introduced it as a Grindhouse film.  One that wouldn’t be preachy.  One he hoped you’d laugh at.  One he hoped you could just sit back and help you forget your worries for 85 minutes.  ”If you don’t like fucking or fighting, you probably won’t like this.”

I pondered.  I do like fucking.  And fighting.  I was intrigued.

Within the first 30 seconds, we had the fucking crossed off the list.  Check.

The film opens with the perpetually 21 Danielle Harris being rammed from behind by a guy with an epic goofy mustache.  Harris looks bored as hell with the sex.  When the man with the magical mustache demands Harris look him in the eye and say she’s a whore, because girls always like that sort of thing, she strains to do so because… well… she’s getting rammed from behind.  When he tries to force her to look into his eyes, her neck snaps and she’s dead.  And that’s the catalyst for everything else in the film.  It turns out the mustachioed man is Detective Harrison, who is in line for a huge promotion.  But it seems as though the police frown upon killing strippers and could hinder his promotion.

Harrison and his mustache and his partner, who has been off playing with Danielle Harris’ friend, Annie (played by Producer and Biehn’s wife, Jennifer Blanc ).  Side note: Biehn doubling up on his fucking promise.  Well played.

Annie is not in favor of the “killing Annie so Harrison can get his promotion” plan.  So she runs.  She finds refuge with a recluse named Kyle (played by the man himself).  Annie sobbingly tries to convince Kyle to help her, but he’s reluctant.  Apparently he’s not aware of the “You always help a really hot blonde girl, no matter what she needs or the circumstances” rule.  But Harrison and his mustache and his partner were closing in.  I could feel Biehn soon fulfilling the second half of his fucking and fighting promise.

As the cops show up, Kyle tells Annie to hide.  The cops came to the door…  Fighting was imminent…  But instead, Kyle uses his guile to convince the cops Annie isn’t there.  No fighting yet.  A side trip to find Danielle Harris’ body to prove Harrison guilty leads to more fucking.  This time between Annie and Kyle.  The chemistry was very good between the two here.  Their acting was so good in this scene, you could have sworn they had actually had intercourse before.

After finishing their love making, Harrison busts in and the fighting begins.  Check #2.  I was a happy camper.  The film then spirals into a web of deceit with all of the various characters not wanting to reveal their deep dark secrets and seedy pasts.  The back and forth, trying to expose each other and come out on top is interlaced with flashbacks to the lead up to that moment where Danielle Harris was killed. In addition, it provided a medium to feature Danielle Harris in sexy outfits.  And what movie doesn’t benefit from Danielle Harris in sexy outfits?

And its absolutely baffling why she hasn’t become a bigger star.  She hit it big as a child actor, starring opposite Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis, but had her major breakout, surviving two Halloween films in the late 80′s (Halloween 4 & 5).  She is hot, funny and a solid actress, yet she can’t catch an Emma Stone-like big break to move on to the next level.   And I may or may not have just used this paragraph as an excuse to embed a picture of Harris looking hot.

The ending is flurry of fighting and a little more fucking.  It included the lovely Annie using her sexual prowess to escape her captors.  If I should get the opportunity and work up the courage, I will have to ask if when directing the sex scene with his wife, if he ever had to say anything to the effect of “Jennifer, you’re just not doing the fellatio right.”  But there’s no way I’m working up that sort of courage.  I’m no Michael Biehn.

And I won’t give it away, but it all culminates with a Biehn monologue that was just epic.  The theater just erupted in laughter when it ended.  The film was a build up that had you questioning whether or not Biehn was who he was saying he was and his final speech just nailed it.  I really wish I had something funny to say about it, but it seemed like Biehn reached down to gather a little bit of The Abyss crazy, with some Kyle Reese introspection and came up with this incredible moment.  I know its good policy to end a paragraph with a joke.  If you want to laugh, look at me with Biehn to the right.  You can see the awkward nervousness in my face that says “I don’t deserve to be in the man’s presence.” Or its “Wow, I have to drive 3 and a half hours to get home tonight.  I hope I don’t fall asleep and die.”  Either way, you can totally get a laugh at my expense.

Now, I rarely get to see a film of this magnitude this early.  I write for a once reputable web site.  Now is where I come up with a Joel Siegel-esque, horrible pun, one line review quote in hopes that it will make the DVD cover.  Here they are:

“I couldn’t have BIEHN happier with this film!”
– Garrett Hargrove, NATIONAL LAMPOON

OR

“You won’t feel VICTIMized if you check out this film!”
– Garrett Hargrove, NATIONAL LAMPOON

OR

“Michael Biehn called this movie his crowning achievement.  And the man made Terminator, Aliens and Tombstone.  You need to see this f-ing movie!”
– Garrett Hargrove, NATIONAL LAMPOON

Here is the trailer for The Victim:

And another picture of Danielle Harris looking sexy: