Origin of Swine Flu traced to Mexico City El Pigglyo Wigglyo

And Burt Reynolds (yeah, HE’S the voice in the commercials) would like to tell everyone that May is Denny’s “All You Can Eat Triple Bacon Pancake Smothered in Sausage Gravy Deluxe Meal Deal Month” and swears on his hat, that you won’t contract Swine Flu or be sodomized by hillbillies.*** And if you don’t believe that, just ask the stache man. The stache never lies!

Remember mad cow disease? It came from a cow that got upset because it wasn’t selected to become a McRib. This is how these things start people. One guy shakes hands with another and the next thing you know, armies are catapulting Bubonic Plague victims into our villages and contaminating our water sources.

Wait, I might just thinking about a Monty Python Movie. Actually, that probably proves my point more than anything else.

Life’s too short to be worried about contracting an over-hyped disease that may or may not eventually kill me (Take THAT Lung Cancer and Cirosis of the Liver!) America needs to take a deep breath and stand back to look at the Swine Flu situation. Ready people:

IT’S NOT THAT BAD!

In all seriousness, I will probably die of Lung Cancer or Cirrhosis of the liver. And I am genuinely sorry to the people that Swine Flu has affected. And I seriously hope that it doesn’t spread any further and hurt more people around the globe. But in two months, when Swine Flu ends up being just as catastrophic as the regular flu–try and forget about whatever the flash-in-the-pan epidemic that Rupert Murdoch decides to make fashionable this week and donate some money to a few diseases that actually need your help.

And for the next few days, maybe try to cover your mouth when coughing around farmer Pedro or Farmer Jeffo; who may or may not have happened to start Swine Flu in the US and found a way to pawn the disease off on a few poor farmers in Mexico. It will probably help.

If you need me, I’ll be at the end of the bar drinking a eating a rack of BBQ ribs, drinking a glass of Uncle Jesse moonshine, smoking a Marlboro Red, and following verbatim whatever directions that a wild-eyed Gary Busey is giving me.

Calm down America. If you let it, life will end up killing you. In the meantime, maybe shake hands with everyone without a surgical mask and try and live a little. The Earth has survived millions of years of diseases and health problems, so it’s safe to say this won’t be the one that renders us all extinct.

* And yes, I know that Swine Flu isn’t spread through eating pork, but I bet you all thought a little longer when you cooked that sausage for your kid’s breakfast this weekend. And if you don’t have kids, feel free to adopt Swine Flu orphans. Madonna, I’m looking at you…

** And to PETA, being on your side this time was an accident. I don’t want to subscribe to your fucking newsletter. Don’t bother emailing me.

*** Burt Reynolds and his magnificent mustache cannot be held accountable for sodmization by hillbillies. If you hear banjos and are concerned about sodomy, please contact your local law enforcement official. Unless you live in Georgia, where the law reads,”It’s every cityfolk for themselves.” Please plan accordingly. ****GA law enforcement offices would like to remind you, “Could be worse y’all, you could have the Swiiiiiiiine Fluuuuuu…”

Thank you America (cough) keep making great pornography (Valtrex) and Good Night