Oscars Best Picture Porn Predictions.
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This weekend the stars will be out in full force as Hollywood celebrates the biggest night in the American film industry. Some of the most famous directors, producers, actors and actresses in the business will cross their fingers in the hopes that when that envelope is peeled open Sunday night they can call themselves Oscar winners. We could use this opportunity to help you figure out the picks in your office pool , but in all honesty, what’s the point? We were never going to see any of that money. We haven’t seen all of the movies anyway.
While making “Best Picture” predictions is a time honored tradition for the media and those who enjoy engaging in more socially acceptable forms of gambling; another industry uses Oscar-nominated films as a sort of creative ammunition. Yes, the adult film industry has transformed award-winners like Forrest Gump and Million Dollar Baby into flesh-pressing masterpieces such as Forrest Hump and Million-Dollar Booty. So while ’tis the season to give it up for astounding performances, it’s also time to birth new titles under which equally astounding sexual feats will be performed.
Luckily this year, they’ve expanded the usually generous field of five films vying for that bald statuette to ten flicks. That means there are eight movies that have no chance going up against Avatar and The Hurt Locker. On the bright side, at least someone will make a porno version of their film.
So without further ado…our recommendations on how the adult industry should porno-ize some of 2010 greatest picture nominees.
1. Vagitar- A sexually uptight female scientist studying the new planet of “Pan-whore-a” in search of a rare element known as “spermtanium” has a sexual awakening when she enters the world of native la’bia tribe.
2. The Hot Locker- In the midst of war, an army officer is charged with diffusing bombs. Sex bombs.
3. District 69- In a world where sex has become outlawed with the exception of an alien colony on earth, a government official comes out in support of the aliens. Unfortunately, his exposure to the highly sexual goings on in District 69 lead him to becoming one of them.
4. A Seriously Well-Endowed Man- This adaptation of the Coen Brothers A Serious Man features a guy who has got it going on down there. You can imagine where it goes from there.
5. Getting It Up In The Air- A well-traveled businessman is unable to have sex unless he’s on an airplane. However, after one too many romps in the sky with fellow passengers and stewardesses, he realizes there’s more to life than being a member of the mile-high club.
6. A Sexual Education- We haven’t seen An Education but its imdb page describes the film as, “a coming-of-age story about a teenage girl in 1960s suburban London, and how her life changes with the arrival of a playboy nearly twice her age.” We’re not really surely we have to change this description except to replace “1960′s suburban London” with “California’s San Fernando Valley.” Then at the and we’d just make sure to include the fact that she totally has sex with the playboy nearly twice her age…a lot.
7. In Glory Hole Bastards- A team of sexually deviant ladies strike out in search of Europe’s elusive and well-hidden glory holes during World War II.
8. The Back Side- In this porn adaptation of The Blind Side a woman brings in a poor teenager who has never even had his own bed and lets him use hers, ultimately showing her how to protect and penetrate “The Back Side.
Letting it air out a bit.
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