Perez Hitler

by Thane Economou
images by Kris Hanson

Infamously bitchy dictator Adolf Hitler has recently set up his own website and blog, showcasing his sharp-tongued views on celebrity gossip. Under the pseudonym Perez Hitler, the Fuhrer is sure to start a fervor around Hollywood and promises to be as ruthless with celebrities as he has been with the people of Europe.

“I promise to put the dick back in dictator,” laughed Hitler earlier today in a press conference, sporting his trademark pink-tinted hair. “I will make this the most popular celebrity gossip website on the Internet. And let me tell you, when I put my mind to something, I get it done.”

Hitler rose to fame with his first book Mein Kampf. His catty rhetoric and general bitchiness made the memoir a bestseller. It attracted the attention of Hollywood fashionistas, gossip rags, hip fascists and anti-Semites worldwide. He is currently working on a sequel, tentatively titled Mein Kampf In Your Mouth.

Hitler, who writes from his favorite coffee shop, Goebbels’ Gourmet Beanery, has made his mark on the world by making fun of popular public figures, such as notorious attention whores Christian Rakovsky, the Chairman of the Ukrainian Soviet government, and Eleanor “The Super Dike” Roosevelt.

The website will focus on celebrity faux pas - such as Nip Slips, Panty Shots, and disagreements with the National Socialist Party. For instance, when Hans Scholl created the anti-Hitler resistance group, White Rose, Hitler famously said, “Don’t go there, girlfriend!” Scholl was executed hours later.